Page 131 of Jesse's Girl
I hug my arms tight over my chest. “Yeah, well, letting that happen was a huge mistake.”
He clenches his hands. “Do you honestly think we could have resisted this? Avoided each other and still lived together—still seen each other every single day? Still shared everything else?”
“We could have tried!” I exclaim. “We should have tried.”
“We did try!” His shoulders tense in a frustrated-looking shrug.
“Tried harder, then! We should never have let anything happen in the first place.”
He huffs a breath through his nose. “Says the girl who insisted it happen in the first place.”
I set my jaw. “Hey. Don’t put this all on me like I roped you into something you didn’t want. I might have taken that first step, but you’ve been with me the whole way along—enthusiastically, I might add. We both did this.”
“Yeah.” He sighs, regret passing across his face.
Long seconds pass before I speak again. “It stops. Now.”
His shoulders drop. “You can’t be serious.”
“There isn’t any future for us beyond this summer, Jess. We knew that from the beginning. You’re leaving soon anyway, and?—”
“You think we can stop?” he asks, cutting me off. “Flip a switch? Just like that?”
“Jess, we have to,” I plead. “It’s only gonna hurt more if we keep this going until the bitter end.”
“No.” He shakes his head as he steps toward me. “Fuck that. What would hurt more is spending my last few days in town living with you and not being able to touch you. Us not spending every second of what little time we have left here together.”
“But don’t you get it? There’s no together for us! You’re gonna be in fucking Australia! You couldn’t get farther away if you tried.”
He recoils. “You told me to go back.”
“I know!”
“What the fuck do you want, Ada? You either want me here or you don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
I don’t answer because it doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. “I’m not fucking up your friendship with Marcus, Jess, so what’s the point in carrying on with this charade?”
“Charade? So this is… what, just an act for you?” His eyes bore into mine, searching for answers. Long moments pass. “What are you saying?”
I look away, trying not to let tears cloud my vision.
“Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?”
I don’t trust myself to speak.
“Ada, look at me.” He takes a steadying breath. “Do you have feelings for me?”
I know what I have to do. It’s gonna hurt and I know it’s cruel, but I need to rip off the bandage. I meet his eyes. “No.”
The word lands like a physical blow. He stares, lips parted, a slew of emotions taking up brief residence in his quickly changing expression. Shock gives way to a glimpse of raw pain before he quickly bricks it over. “Bullshit.”
“W-what?” I sputter, caught off guard.
“That’s bullshit.” He comes closer. “You’ve always been a shitty liar, Ada. I might be kinda crap at the whole feelings thing, but that’s never been your problem. I can see everything right on your face and I know you feel this too.”
“No, I don’t.” But I can’t quite look at him when I say it. It’s a low blow.
“Cut the crap, Ada,” he grumbles.