Page 62 of The Three of Us
I ease myself out of her grip, flip the light on and refill the kettle. While it’s starting to boil, I walk into the dining room and find a half-empty bottle of cheap brandy in the sideboard. It usually only comes out at Christmas, to help set the pudding alight, but I think she needs it today.
I make her a mug of tea and pour a good-sized slug of brandy into it, then place it in her cold hands. ‘Here. Drink this. Or just hold it for a while. It will warm you up.’
‘I can’t help thinking of him all alone. If he’d had children, at least there’d be someone to share the burden, help him with the grief…’
‘But he didn’t, Mum, and you know why.’
‘Poor man. I don’t know what I would have done without you and Sam, when we lost your father.’
‘Let’s not go there, eh? Bringing it all up again is only going to upset you. And me, probably. Where is Sam anyway?’
‘Out with someone. A girl, I guess, but he’s keeping it all very close to his chest. I know nothing about her at all. I never do, with any of his girlfriends. He never brings them home, you know.’
‘Doesn’t want you overdoing the matchmaking probably, or putting them off!’
‘I don’t. Do I?’
‘Only joking, but you do tend to share your opinions quite… shall we say, generously?’
‘Which means I interfere, I suppose?’
‘You mean well, Mum. Now, come on, what are we going to do for Anthony? Give him a call, get him over here, offer him a bed for the night, or do you think he wants time on his own? We could make him a casserole so he doesn’t have to cook.’
‘I don’t know. I thought I knew him so well, but now I have no idea what he might want. I doubt if he’ll be thinking about food at all. Death changes things, doesn’t it? He’ll have so much going on in his head. All the practical stuff, the funeral arrangements, who to tell… and there’ll be all the memories too. The good ones and the bad. They play over and over in your head, you know, like a film on a loop. It’s a terrible time, those first few days. He’ll be needing a damn good cry too, but sometimes that takes time to come. And the last thing I want is for him to think I’m some interfering old woman, like you obviously do.’
‘No, Mum. You’re caring, that’s all. You want the best for everybody.’
She gives me a watery smile. ‘I do, Carly. It’s just that I don’t always know what that is. But I think we’ll give Anthony a bit of space, for tonight at least. I’ve spoken to him on the phone, but there’s not a lot more I can do for now, and he has a sister who’s driving down from the Midlands in the morning. He knows where I am when he needs me. If he needs me.’
We sit for a while in silence, until my phone beeps with a message. It’s Fran. She’s taking Miranda and her kids back to our place, and she’s going to cook them all a meal, as if she isn’t already stuffed full of cake! But I’m pleased for her, I really am.
‘Shall we watch a film?’ I say eventually. ‘To take our minds off things.’
‘But don’t you want to get off home?’ Mum looks up at me, and there’s an unspoken pleading there in her eyes. ‘I don’t want you to feel you have to stay.’
‘Fran’s got company, so I’m in no rush to get home, Mum. In fact, I may not live here anymore, but this house is my real home. Always will be.’
‘Okay then.’ She smiles properly, for the first time since I got here. ‘Pretty Woman?’
‘Yeah, why not?’ I say, leading her into the lounge. ‘Have you got any of those choc ices left? Or a can of cider or beer or anything? I’ve had a bit of a bad day myself.’
‘Want to tell me about it?’ She touches my hand. ‘No interfering, I promise.’
‘Yeah, I think I do, actually.’
‘Well, if it’s the same man you’ve hinted at before, the married one, and I’d bet anything that it is, then all I can say is he’s not worth it.’
‘As simple as that?’
‘Yes, sometimes it really is. If you love him and he loves you back, wonderful! Nothing you can’t overcome. But any other combination is never going to work. Equals, Carly. Or move on. That’s all I’m going to say. It has to be a two-way thing, like it was for your dad and me.’
‘And Anthony and Pauline?’
‘Maybe. I never met the girl, but from the way he spoke about her, it sounded like true love to me, despite all their problems. And that’s what I want for you, and for Sam. All I’ve ever wanted.’
‘I know, Mum. And it’s all finished, I promise you. I met his wife and I felt so ridiculously upset and unsettled, and guilty, even though we never… well, you know. And none of it’s her fault, is it? No, I’m done with married men, and pining for what I can’t have. It probably wasn’t worth having anyway!’
‘Good for you, love.’