Page 8 of Unforgettable You
My entire body was one big blush and I wished she’d just take the cupcakes from me so I could run back to my apartment and die of mortification in peace.
“I don’t want your cupcakes,” she said, and then the door was shut in my face. I heard the lock click.
“Okay,” I whispered and went back to my apartment. That was a bust, but at least I had all the cupcakes to myself now?
I didn’t see Reid again for a few days, but I thought about her. All. The. Time. It was so bad that even Larison noticed when I kept zoning out during our regular video chats.
“Is there something going on that I don’t know about?” she asked me, leaning closer to her screen so she could squint at my face, pushing her glasses up her nose.
“No,” I said. I hadn’t told her about the Reid situation. Mostly because it was really freaking embarrassing. I’d tried to make amends and she’d shut the door in my face, but I might have made the whole thing worse. Thinking that I’d caused her pain made me sick to my stomach.
“Sophieeeeee,” Larison said in her mom Voice. It was Friday night and Juniper was already in bed so we could talk without being adorably interrupted.
“Don’t use that tone with me,” I said, pointing my finger at her.
“Then tell me what’s wrong and I won’t have to.”
She raised one eyebrow and smirked at me.
I sighed. “Fine.” I gave her the rundown of everything, including the cupcake disaster.
“Aw, my poor Soph. You tried to do a good thing and it blew up in your face.”
“Pretty much. And now I feel like I should definitely leave her alone. Like, the message was clear. Should I pretend that I don’t see her? Should I say hi?”
Larison blew out a breath. “I think you try to be cordial and don’t overthink it.”
I snorted.
“Not easy for you, my love, but I don’t think you need to worry about this as much as you are. You’re not the one who cheated on her. You were literally just there. And you tried to be nice and she let you know that she doesn’t want to have any further contact. So it’s time to drop it and move on.” I knew she was right, but that didn’t stop me from still wanting to do something to fix it.
“Did you tell Kaylee?” Larison asked.
“Uh, no. Absolutely not. I didn’t want to dig that up for her either.” Even though my sister had been the one who’d absolutely fucked up, it was still something she wasn’t proud of and something she didn’t like bringing up.
The best course of action was to drop all of it, pretend that Reid and I were strangers, and move on with my life. I had my part-time summer job and one online summer class I needed to stay focused on. I still had one year left in my masters and then I’d finally be ready to start working in publishing.
This summer I was also hoping to find some work online, maybe an internship or something. Those were so competitive, and many of the jobs were in New York, but I was hoping I could stay in Maine and have a good career. Time would tell. I hadn’t exactly figured out what facet of publishing I wanted to narrow in on. I just…couldn’t decide. It would feel so final. As if once I made the decision, I’d have to give myself to that thing one thousand percent and I wouldn’t be able to change my mind.
It was a worry that I hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Larison. I guess I was so scared of making a wrong choice and being judged for changing my mind if I chose wrong.
Juniper woke up and Larison had to put her back to sleep, so I let her go and lay back on my bed.
Since it was Friday night in my new place, I probably should have gone out or something, but I didn’t like going to regular bars alone anymore. I’d never been good at saying no to guys when they asked me out and now it was even worse so I tended to avoid places where it might happen.
There was a sapphic bar nearby, but I definitely wasn’t ready to go there. No way. I was still wrestling with the revelation that I was queer and could barely use the word “lesbian” in my own head, let alone out loud. The fear that the Label Police would show up to my door and arrest me for not being a “real” lesbian was ridiculous, but it didn’t stop me from thinking something like that could happen.
When they checked your ID at Sapph, did they require you have a carabiner on your belt? Did you have to name three sapphic musical acts? Did they check the length of your fingernails? I had no idea and the uncertainty was probably making my anxiety worse, but that was how I’d always been.
When I’d told Larison in January that I didn’t think I was straight she’d just smiled and told me she’d known the whole time and had been waiting for me to figure it out. She’d come out as bisexual years ago, and I’d joke about being her token straight friend then. Oops.
I’d burst into tears and hadn’t been able to stop crying. Telling my family had been a little less dramatic, but they’d taken it in stride since Kaylee had paved the way for me years ago. It was almost a nonevent. All of my stress about telling them had been for nothing, but that was how anxiety worked most of the time. Rarely was it rational.
Someday. Someday I’d be brave enough to go to a queer bar and someday I’d be bold enough to go to Pride, but I wasn’t there yet.
Baby steps.
Instead of going out and painting the town red (whatever that meant), I was in bed and missing my best friend and goddaughter and trying to decide what to read. You’d think that having to read so much for school would make me want to do anything besides reading in my free time, but that wasn’t the case. I had my pleasure reading to decompress from my school reading.