Page 76 of Jump on Three

“I’m autistic. For me, that means sometimes I get overstimulated, and other times, I seek stimulation to stay regulated. At Lyot, I’d pushed myself too far. I know better, but I was on this adrenaline rush I didn’t want to stop. First, sneaking in, then getting caught, and you showing up…I was so happy to see you and finally solve the mystery of you, but we danced before you would tell me anything.”

I sucked in a deep breath and slowly released it, calming myself, so I didn’t slide back into the memories of being overwhelmed.

“I loved dancing with you. I think I could have done it all night. My body was telling me I had to keep going. The input I was getting was pure bliss. Like I became an outlet with a million electronics plugged into it, and the more I plugged in, the more amped I got. It felt so, so good…until I got to the tipping point.”

“It was when I told you it was time to leave,” he said softly.

“I was going to crash anyway, but yes, that pushed me over. It’s difficult for me to transition from one thing to another without having time to process and think about it. When I’m in that state, though, it’s impossible. It was like the plug was yanked out and everything shut down. I’ve truly never experienced anything like it since normally I shut down due to stress.”

“What do you do when that happens?” he asked.

“I need quiet and dark, my blanket, no touching.”

“You asked me to squeeze you hard.”

“I know,” I whispered. “And you did it perfectly.”

“Evelyn.” My name came out so ragged, filled with so much more meaning than a name should contain. I jerked my eyes to his.

He didn’t look like he hated me. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I recognized pain shining from the depths of his steady gaze.

I forced my hands apart, bringing them to my sides where I pressed the bruises on my thighs.

“I’m sorry you had to see me that way. I’m mortified I forced you to take care of me. That was beyond the pale. I am not your burden or responsibility. Please know I will do as you asked and leave you alone once and for all.”

Unable to look at him another second, I turned my head to the side, willing him to leave and put us both out of this misery.

The air shifted before his movement caught in my periphery. His hands were on my face, turning me to him, and my lungs iced over. I couldn’t breathe.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said.

“I am. I am very sorry, Ivan. You have to be disgusted by my behavior.”

“Disgusted? What?” he hissed.

I tried to shake my head, to turn away, but he held my face in his hands, keeping me there.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he intoned. “Do not be sorry, Evelyn. You have nothing to be sorry for. This is your brain, how it was formed. It is who you are. If you think I could be disgusted by anything that makes you you, then you are very wrong.”

Finally, my lungs thawed enough for me to exhale a heavy breath. “Don’t say things like that.”

“Like what? What is wrong with what I said?”

I squeezed my eyes closed, overwhelmed but nowhere near melting down. My chest was so full, bubbling, and I could not stay still. Fingers rubbing back and forth. Feet shifting side to side. My tongue ached to form the words teetering on the very tip.

“Hold me tight.”

“It’s too beautiful,” I said instead.

“Evelyn.”

Oh, the way he’d said my name. It was a blanket of powdery snow atop blistering sand. It felt so good to my ears, inside my brain. I could have listened to him say it just like that for the rest of my life and be content.

I could not take another second of this. I had to move, or I would burst from all these…these feelings.

There was black, there was white, and now, there was gray.