Page 45 of A Constant Love

I couldn’t believe I was talking about this. I never talked about this, aside from what I had told Tyler.

“No. He never laid a hand on me before that night. It was like I broke any self-control he had when I broke up with him at that party.”

We sat in silence for a moment, neither of us quite knowing where to turn the conversation.

Finally, Benny said, “Why did he have such a problem with us hanging out?”

I laughed, “Because he thought you were trying to sleep with me.”

Now we both laughed. “Doesn’t he know that I am not particularly interested in the female sex?”

I shook my head. “No, Benny, I never told him you were gay.”

“Why not?”

“Because you asked me not to. You asked me not to tell anyone. This is a small town, and people’s opinions aren’t exactly forgiving. When you came out to me, you made me swear to never tell a living soul. And I didn’t.”

“But you could have told him, and maybe he would have been okay with us hanging out.”

I took his hand, “Or maybe, he would have made your life a living hell for being gay. James and his friends were cruel, and they would have made sure this town crucified you.”

He smiled, “You’re still the best friend I’ve ever had, sweets.”

“Then, you must have had some shitty ass friends if I’m at the top of your list.”

We both laughed again.

“I missed you, Benny. And from here on out, we keep in touch…even when I am back in Boston.”

He grinned, “I’d like that.”

“Maybe you can come visit the big city. We’d love to show you around.”

“We? Okay, time for you to spill all about that sexy man candy you showed up with. If I come to Boston, can I find me one of him?”

An hour later, after hugging Benny goodbye, I was on my way. Apologizing to him might have seemed like a small step, but for me, it was massive.

I’m glad he didn’t hate me all these years later. We used to be best friends, and I would love to have at least part of that back.

I began to drive back to the house. There wasn’t really anyone else I needed to make my amends with. There was no one else in that town that I really gave a damn about. I asked Benny what happened to Joey, the other boy we used to hang with all the time, but he said he had moved out of town and hadn’t heard from him since high school.

For years, I had blamed myself for so much, and it turns out that no one else really blamed me for those things at all. Some of the weight of the guilt I had carried for years was beginning to lift.

As I was on my way back, I pulled my dad’s truck to the side of the road. Slowly, I opened the door and got out, walking to the grassy area that stood in front of the corn field.

This was it.

This was the spot where it happened.

This was the spot I was raped.

It just looked like any old spot on the side of the road…not the spot that had haunted my dreams for years.

But standing there, looking at that spot, I realized that it was just an old spot on the side of the road, and in mere moments, I would get in my truck and drive away, leaving it in my rearview mirror…just like all the other negative from my past I was forcing myself to leave in the dust.

My eyes glanced up the road at the Hartford farm up the way.

I remembered being about 13 years old and walking down this old road with Benny. Alex Hartford, who was in the same grade as us, ran out to torment Benny, calling him all sorts of girl names and making fun of the way he dressed.