Page 48 of Lily, Unwritten
“You can stay in the house, you know? You don’t have to stay out here,” Cassie said.
“I like it out here,” I smiled, even though I felt sad. “Happy memories, I guess.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but I glared at her. “You want eggs, you keep quiet.” She laughed, then left me to my own devices.
The weekend felt torturous and long, as though I was waiting for a monumental event to happen, except it wasn’t going to. I had nothing to fill the next week. No job, no partner, no plan.
I played with Ruby and Emilia, smiled and tried to think of reasons to explain why Zack wasn’t there. I helped Cassie and Guy with cooking and childcare, but I had no actual purpose here. They all went to bed, happy and loved at night. I lay in the granny flat and sobbed with despair after once again consuming far too much wine.
Just as I’d got used to missing Luke, I now had a Zack-shaped hole to contend with too. The burden of the two dragged me down in ways I’d never known before.
I rang Cassie’s clinic early on Monday morning. I guess it’s true that money talks. With her being a private patient, they agreed to see me within a couple of days for the initial health checks to clarify I was suitable.
That part was easy; I was the right age, the right weight, had no dubious medical history. The physical examination was fine, and I knew the blood and swab tests they took would all return OK. They then told me, however, that I needed to have a counselling appointment to ensure I was ready for the emotional side of this.
And that’s how I found myself seated in a comfortable armchair as I smiled at a kind looking lady with very large glasses and curly black hair. I focused on trying to stop myself from fidgeting, foot tapping, coughing, or any other little tells that may give away my stress about this situation.
“Lily, thank you for coming today. My name is Wendy. This is just an informal session to assess if you are ready for the next steps of the egg donation process. Are you happy to proceed?” she asked.
I nodded like an over enthusiastic puppy, just wanting to get to the point where I got to help Cassie already.
“Do you have a partner, Lily?”
A sharp pain bolted through my stomach, but I ignored it. I smiled at her, forever the actress it would seem. “No, I’m single, and I have no plans to have children myself.”
Wendy made notes in her book as she listened to me. “And your parents, siblings? How do they feel about the donation?”
“I’m an only child. Cassie, the friend I want to donate eggs to, is the closest to a sister I will ever have. My parents adore her. They understand this and are happy to support my decisions.” No need to mention the fact I hadn’t told them, right?
“If a child was born out of this process, they’d meet them?” she asked.
“Yes, but they wouldn’t be an everyday part of their lives.”
“So,” she continued. “How would you feel if the egg donation led to your friend conceiving a baby?”
“I’d be absolutely over the moon. She’s the best mum in the world. Her little girls are amazing. She was devastated to find out she couldn’t have more children naturally. I’m moving away soon. I wouldn’t impact their lives, I just want to know I helped her. If this led to her having a baby, that would be the very best outcome in the world.” Why had said I was moving away? I didn’t know where that had come from, but it had set ideas racing in my mind.
Wendy smiled as she scribbled everything down in her black notepad. “You understand that the child could contact you in the future?”
I nodded. “I have no issues at all with that. Cassie will be in my life forever. I would be there for all of her children, regardless of their origins.”
The session continued. I was desperate to give the right answers, but Wendy was hard to read. As the appointment drew to a close, she shook me by the hand.
“A doctor will call you within a couple of days of receiving my report to discuss whether or not we are able to proceed.”
“Thank you. It was lovely to meet you.” I flashed my best, most confident smile. I was a single, successful woman who just wanted to help her best friend. That’s all they needed to know.
That had taken it out of me, though, I needed a drink. I’d needed multiple drinks every day since Spain, but I wasn’t going to worry about that right now. I’d be OK once I got through this stage, I was sure.
I jumped into a taxi and headed back to the granny flat. I knew I had no money after what was left in my account had gone, but I didn’t care. Everything except Zack seemed meaningless to me. I changed into a short, black dress and re-did my hair and make-up. It was late afternoon, that was close enough to evening to justify this. I finished the outfit with heeled, black, ankle boots and headed to a bar in the town center. It was usually frequented by students. I knew they’d be partying at any time; that’s what I needed - shots, dancing, just forget it all.
I didn’t even care that I received odd glances as I walked in. So what if I was ten years older than them all and not in jeans and converse, which seemed to be the uniform of choice. I ordered a large sauvignon blanc and two shots of vodka, which I downed before I took a seat on a bar stool and cradled my precious wine while I surveyed the room.
A band were setting up over in the corner; this meant good potential for dancing. My body was restless, I just wanted to do something invigorating and fun. What I needed, in all honesty, was one of those carefree nights with Luke. I closed my eyes as if to stop the thought in its tracks before it could invade my mind any deeper.
It reminded me of our college days when Cassie and I would watch bands and dance until late every weekend. They were a four-piece group, all piercings and black hair and moody guyliner… why had nobody told me eyeliner looked so sexy on men? They were pretty good; I definitely wanted to dance.
I downed the wine- aware it was not wise to leave a drink unattended in a bar like this one- and headed to the small dance floor in the corner of the club, which was getting pretty crowded already. It was hot over here; I liked it. My head was fuzzy, my vision slow and lazy, and it was nice having all these warm bodies around me. I closed my eyes as I threw myself into the dance, letting the lyrics about love, heartbreak and everything in between wash over me.