Page 53 of Ice Cold Hearts
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“You said it was hard for her to sleep in the guest room because it wasn’t really her room. What if it was her room?” he asks.
Emily goes silent.
I feel like I’m skydiving without a parachute. We’re rapidly approaching a territory that none of us have come close to touching. I’ve been biting my tongue and stuffing all that down because I was too afraid to rock the boat and risk the misery that would come with Emily leaving. Now, there’s no avoiding it, not after Oliver dropped that bomb. I clench my hands together so tightly, I can feel my nails sinking deep into my skin.
Every time I think I’ve finally got control over my emotions, something like this comes along and reminds me of what a failure I am.
Just stay quiet and don’t ruin everything.
“Do you understand what you’re suggesting?” she asks cautiously. “This isn’t just a trivial thing. If you do this, if you create a permanent space for her in your home, you'd be telling me you want a permanent place in her life.”
“Is that not something you want?” I ask softly.
“It's a big commitment, and I'm worried you don't understand the full ramifications of that. I mean, it's not all picnics and movie nights. There's illness and tantrums and so many other little things. I'm not expecting a guarantee of forever, but last month when we went to the zoo, I got no sleep the night before because I had no idea how to explain this to my parents. They'd been asking questions, and when I texted you, you said keep it simple, that we should just tell them we're in the getting to know each other phase. That things weren't too serious. I thought that maybe you were going to say you wanted—” Her voice breaks, and she takes a breath.
Seeing her blink away the mist in her eyes and settle behind a mask crushes me. I want to tell her just how deeply I care, but I'm too afraid of drowning her in the tidal wave of emotion welling up inside me. I don't want to be too much. I couldn't cope with another woman I care about telling me I feel too much, so I stay silent and wait for her to continue.
Oliver and Alexei don't seem to be handling this much better than I am. Every muscle in Alexei’s body is taut like a bowstring, and Oliver has run his hands through his hair so often it looks like a wheat field on a windy day.
Emily clears her throat and starts again, “Of course, you want to keep things casual and avoid the girlfriend label. There's so much you don't know about me and about her, especially around the situation with her father. I know if you knew that, everything would be over, and then you go and suggest something like this. You offer something as permanent as a bedroom, and you won't even say I'm your girlfriend? I don't care about me, but if Audrey starts to rely on you and you get bored and want to move on… You can break my heart, but I will not let you break hers and?—”
“Enough,” Alexei gruffly cuts her off. “Do you remember what I said to you in that stairwell four and a half months ago?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Emily asks.
“I said that you were in charge, that we'd go as far as you wanted us to go. You set the pace, Emily. If you're ready for more, then all you have to do is say you want to talk about where our relationship is going. Those house meetings we have here are for more than event planning or replenishing the snack hoard. They're for talking about things like this.” He sinks back into the couch, frustrated. “Do you want more, yes or no?”
“It's not that simple,” she protests.
“Answer the question,” he says firmly.
It's only a couple seconds of quiet, but for me it's an eternity. I clench my hands tighter to stop the shaking.
“Yes, but there's all these other details like Audrey's father and the press. There's already articles with my face plastered all over them, and that's just from them finding us out and about in public together. What happens when it gets out that I'm your girlfriend?” she says, her voice growing increasingly panicked.
“One thing at a time.” Oliver strokes her hair softly.
I've always been grateful for the way Oliver manages the mood of the room, but never more so than now. Just seeing her lean into him with that trusting air brings my heart rate closer to normal.
“Emily, we'd love to make things more official, but none of us wanted to push you. We're more than ready for you to be our girlfriend if you are.”
“And you both feel the same?” She looks at Alexei, then turns to me.
My heart skips a beat when her earthy eyes lock onto mine. Alexei says yes, but all I can do is nod.
“And Audrey?” she asks.
“We might need a little more coaching in that department, but we'll be as involved as you want us to be,” Alexei says. “We’d do anything to keep that girl safe.”
“Are you sure?” she presses. “There's so much you don't know yet.”
Oliver tucks her against his side, and Alexei and I each grab one of her hands. I'm too overwhelmed for words, but I hope she can feel how serious I am from the way I lace my fingers through hers.
“Unless you're planning on croaking on us anytime soon, we've got plenty of time for that.” Oliver grins.
I love how easily he makes her laugh.