Page 73 of Filthy Savage
“I hope it’s good news that you’re still here,” she says in a whisper.
I want to tell her that I won’t be here for long. I want to leave right this minute. I know that Evan talked to her, and he ended things, but for how long? What happens when she shows up at the clubhouse again? What happens when he is pissed at me, we have a fight, or he’s just bored with me?
I want to be able to trust Evan. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m so close to having every dream that I’ve ever been able to imagine come to fruition. But I would be a fool to just accept mediocre. And this feels mediocre.
“Sure,” I mutter.
Shawn’s eyes widen before she begins to pour ingredients into her big mixing bowl. She doesn’t say anything immediately. She just works on whatever it is that she’s going to be baking next. The scent of cacao reaches my nostrils, and I can’t help but lick my lips because I absolutely love anything chocolate.
“Spencer,” Shawn calls out.
I hum, watching her work. I can’t look away from what she’s doing. It’s mesmerizing. She is a master at her craft, seriously. She is so good at baking, at moving in this kitchen with a sleeping baby strapped to her. It’s just too much. She’s perfection.
Shawn lets out a heavy sigh, her head swinging to the side, her eyes finding mine. Taking a step backward, I almost stumble at the expression she wears. It’s worry, sadness, and it seems almost pained. Gone is the pity, thank God, but the pain… that causes me pause.
“I don’t pretend to know anything about your past or your present. All I know is that Brew looked happy when you came into town. I love that for him, but more for you because I could see a light in your eyes. It was beautiful, but it’s gone now.”
I’m not sure how to respond to that. The light is gone in my eyes. I know it is, but my trust is gone, my heart is broken, and my soul is completely crushed.
“He had a ten-year off-and-on thing with her. He never told me about it. How do I just forgive and forget? I look like a fool.”
Shawn shakes her head a couple of times, her gaze finding mine and holding it. “You could never look like a fool, Spencer. Not ever.”
“Except that’s exactly how I feel and look.”
My words come out in a whisper, and I’m not even sure she’s heard me, but then I feel her hand wrap around my forearm.“Seriously, Spencer. You could never look like a fool. It isn’t possible. I just don’t want you to run away out of fear.”
“Is it fear or self-preservation?” I ask.
Shawn presses her lips together and rolls them. She turns back to her bowl and gets back to work on whatever perfect chocolate concoction she has going on. I just hope she lets me taste-test it because my mouth is watering with each new step of her process.
“Don’t do that,” she murmurs. She doesn’t stop working, though, this time, as she scolds me and builds me up all at the same time. I watch her in awe.
“You’re amazing, and from what I can tell, Brew really likes you. I’ve never even met this other woman, but I already know that he didn’t bring her to the clubhouse for protection, ever. That says a lot to me because he made sure you were protected from day one.”
I snort. “Don’t forget I’m Clink’s sister. If something happens to me, he’s in deep shit. I love that you want it to be so romantic and more than it is, but it simply is just not that. I’m sorry.”
Shawn shakes her head, but it’s Ryan’s voice that floats through the room. Turning my head, I look back over my shoulder at her. She’s leaning against the wall, her own sleepy baby strapped to her chest.
“You can try to justify and deny it all you want, but that man is smitten. He hasn’t visited this woman at all since you’ve been here, has he?” she asks.
“So, I’m supposed to be head over heels swoony over the fact that he hasn’t fucked her in a couple of weeks when he’s been fucking her for ten years and neglected to tell me about it?” I snap.
Jealous rage fills my body. It consumes me at the thought of Jasmine again. I cannot handle it. Just the thought of that woman, the fact that he gave so much of himself to her, even if heclaims it didn’t mean anything to him. It was so much more than he ever gave me.
Tears fill my eyes, and I can’t stop them from falling. I couldn’t if I tried. They stream down my cheeks, and I feel like an even bigger idiot. Every minute that passes, I feel even more foolish than the last.
“Nobody said you had to swoon,” Shawn says, wrinkling her nose. “But it sounds like you’re mad about something that happened before you were together. How would it feel if he broke up with you because he found out that you were with someone during the ten-year period you were away from one another?”
“I hate every woman Atomic even looked at,” Ryan says, shrugging one of her shoulders. “But I love him more than I hate them.”
I think about those words.I love him more than I hate them. That causes my stomach to twist and then flip. Do I love Evan more than I hate Jasmine? I want to say yes, but part of me says no.
Although I don’t hate Jasmine, the person, because I don’t know her well enough to feel anything for her. I hate what she stands for. She had a part of him that I was too young to have or know.
I hate myself for feeling the way I do about him.
I hate myself for loving him when his interest is clearly not the same as mine. He wants to own me, and I want a Prince Charming kind of love. I’m not sure we’re in the same place, and as more minutes pass, the more foolish I feel.