Page 134 of Threaded
“Yes, Seb. I’m telling you that you’re the only other member of my Armature I’ve been with in …thatway. I know that may come as a shock to you, given my reputation. But I’m not choosing someone I haven’t already slept with to stand in as my consort at a Solstice that very well may blow up in my face.”
His eyes widened slightly. “Okay, first off, fuck your ‘reputation.’” He reached a hand out and gripped hers tightly. “That wasn’t what I was saying. I just know how intense the bond was for us, and I was surprised, is all. I have a hard time believing some of the others wouldn’t have given in.”
Mariah smiled weakly at that. “Oh, trust me, if I’d let them give in, quite a few of them would have. But I know after I bonded with you I could control that particular urge, if I wanted to. And … Iwantedto. I didn’t want to have that be the foundation of every single relationship with my Armature. The Royals and other lords may whisper things behind my back, or even say them to my face, but they’re all wrong. I’m not out of control; everything I do is a choice. And I’m very conscious of every single one of those decisions.” She hesitated, and her smile turned into a grimace. “Well … every decision except the ones made with a particular individual, but I have no desire to get into that right now.” She peered back at Sebastian’s face and found him grinning.
“You’re incredible. You know that, right?”
Mariah’s let her first genuine smile in weeks spread across her face. “I have been told that, yes.”
He chuckled. “So … it’s just been Andrian and me? Not even Quentin?”
“Goddess, no.” She snorted, then giggled. “Quentin wishes. He did get further than any of the others, excluding you. But … no. Not even him.”
Their laughter faded into silence as they watched the sun sink further below the mountain horizon. It was then Mariah asked a question she didn’t want to but needed to know the answer.
“Has he left the palace?”
Sebastian whipped his head to look at her, his shock written on his face. “What? Why would you think that?”
Mariah kept her face still, not letting any emotions push their way out. “I haven’t seen him anywhere in a week. I just figured, with how he left me last time, that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me.”
Sebastian’s stare hardened. “No, Mariah. He hasn’t left the palace. He’s been keeping to himself, but I promise you, he’s been closer to you than you might think. For whatever fucked up reason, he doesn’t want you to know it, but he would never leave you. Hecouldnever leave you.”
Mariah wasn’t sure that made her feel any better.
It was silent for a few more minutes, and when the sun finally disappeared past the mountains, casting the sky in a soft gray winter glow, Sebastian spoke again.
“I will do anything you ask of me, Mariah. You know that. But I just need you to ask yourself something for me.”
Mariah turned to meet his gaze. “What’s that?”
“I need you to ask yourself if this is what you truly want.”
She only nodded to him, once.
They sat together for a bit longer until the sky faded into night and the stars twinkled into existence. The two moons emerged, their silver and gold light casting shadows across the balcony and against the mountains. It was only when Sebastian finally left her, placing a soft kiss atop her head, and she’d tucked herself into her bed, that she finally let herself answer the question Sebastian had posed to her.
This wasnotwhat she truly wanted. Not even a little bit.
But she didn’t have any other choice.
CHAPTER56
Andrian hadn’t slept.
Not in over a week.
More than that, if he was being honest. He hadn’t truly been able to rest since he’d driven the wedge between himself andher, had let his fear and his anger and the hate he carried for himself settle in deep and shred apart the only source of light he’d ever found in his dark, cold existence.
He knew something changed there on that balcony. He’d tried to scare her, to convince her he wasn’t good for her, that he would ultimately end up ruining her. But instead, he’d feltit, that thing charging between their souls. It had only magnified when she’d placed her whole, precious life in his hands, trusting even the darkness of his magic—the part of him always shunned and feared by those in his life—with all of herself.
He’d called her by her name, herrealname, even after swearing to himself all those weeks ago he never would.
The magnitude of that moment had nearly brought him to his knees.
But instead of dropping to them there, instead of finally breaking only for her, he’d shoved everything he knew she feared and distrusted about him back down her throat. And she’d walked away, the pain and hurt in her eyes shredding his already mutilated soul into further, fractured pieces.
Since that moment, Andrian had decided to give her space. He knew she still rose with the sun and trained with the other Armature in the game park. He followed her there each morning, close enough to bask in the light filtering off her but far enough for his shadows to obscure him from view.