Page 10 of Dawn of Hope

Because of me.

Not only did I take her away from him, simply by being born, but I took her away from myself. I have never known this woman. All I’ve known is the dream of what a mother would be like, and how it could never be her as she lies in this room, unable to wake.

And now?

Listening to the healer tell my father it is time to let her go, all hope of ever meeting her, of having a parent who cared for me and wanted me there is gone. My fantasy that one day she would wake, and I would know the unconditional love of a parent, and live out the rest of our days making up for lost time is disintegrating.

Despite our relationship, seeing my father so upset about losing her for good brings me sadness, but there is more to it.

The realization that I am also losing her, the only her I have ever known, feels overwhelming. It is a loss of possibility, not a loss of someone I knew and loved, not like my father is losing.

I swipe at the tears welling inside my eyes, and clear the thickness building in my throat. I don’t care if my father hears me. I stride strongly down the hallway toward my rooms, holding my head high. I need to let this fantasy go. I will never know her.

You aren’t really losing her, you never had her.

I squash the hope I had down deep into myself, never wanting to feel it ever again.

If only that were possible.

CHAPTER FOUR

“Good morning, Princess.”

I startle at Edmond’s words and slam my book shut, tucking it into the large, winged chair cushion next to me. I got to the library for my lessons early this morning, finding that my time spent in the quiet amongst the full shelves is some of my most calm. I have met with Edmond in the castle library every day since childhood. He’s taught me everything I know, every lesson on politics, geography, customs. He has made me the future queen I am today.

“Good morning, Edmond.” I sit up straighter before letting out a large, very un-princess like yawn, stretching my arms above my head.

“Catching up on some reading?”

“Yes. I was up reading until it was almost light.” It is the truth. After leaving my father crying over my mother last night, I could not quiet my mind, so I resorted to distraction.

“Something educational, I hope.” His eyebrows rise as he quirks his head.

“Of course.” I will the blush out of my cheeks. I don’t want to get intowhatI am reading.

I’d discovered Tila’s stash of books years ago. I was bored, waiting for her to arrive in her chambers, when I started snooping through her things. A row of neatly lined books caught my eye on the shelf above where she did her sewing, and I decided to ignore boundaries and look. I stood on her stool and pulled one down, expecting to find patterns or instructions for crafting all the clothing she made.

As my eyes scanned the text, I was shocked to find the book had nothing to do with sewing. I pulled down book after book and skimmed random pages. They were stories.Romances. And some of them were…naughty. My eyes scanned the covers, but did not find a single detail hinting at what was inside.

I have been sneaking into her rooms and borrowing books from her shelf ever since.

I truly think she knows and pretends not to, because I notice new ones appearing all the time, and she never seems to notice when one is missing.

Ever since, I have loved to read about love, craving the escape, the longing, the happy ending.

The idea of someone loving someone else that much makes my chest squeeze. I’ve never known that kind of love, never truly seen it either, unless you count the times I’ve seen my father sitting in with my mother.

I want what I read in Tila’s books. It is one reason I am so upset about my father’s refusal to involve me in anything for the kingdom and my continued isolation.

Am I doomed to be isolated and unloved for my entire life?

So, I find it in the books, who have been my constant companions for years. I don’t lie to Edmond when I say I am reading something educational. The books can beveryeducational, especially when I was younger and didn’t have a mother to explain these things to me. Gods know my father never will, and maybe this is why he never discussedany betrothal or marriage agreement with me. He avoids any mention of moving forward in my life at all costs.

Edmond chuckles as he takes a seat. “You and your stories. Just make sure to return them to Tila when you are finished.”

My jaw drops as I take in his lighthearted look.

How does he know?