Page 15 of Dawn of Hope

My hand shakes as I reach to open the book again, flipping to the first page. I scan over it quickly and let out a quiet sob as I take in the dainty script handwriting that fills the pages. I flip through the book, the pages filled with writing, almost to the end.

This was hers, and she wrote it all to me.

I fumble through the pages, making my way back to the first so I can start at the beginning. Edmond said I should have had this long ago, so who kept it from me? Was it him, or was it my father?

The pit deepening in my gut screams at me my father was the one who hid it. I can only imagine why.

I inhale a deep, shuddering breath before looking at the words again. I want to devour them, but I force myself to take them in slowly, and savor every ounce of her I can.

My Dearest Daughter,

Well, I am calling you that, because despite your father already planning to name his son after himself, I know deep in my heart that you are a girl. My Lennox. I’ve always dreamt of giving that name to my daughter, and I know that is exactly what will happen. The moment we found out you were coming, your father and I were overjoyed. We are counting the days until we get to hold you in our arms. We waited so very long for you, and we will wait ever so patiently now, knowing that you will soon be ours forever.

I wanted to write to you, my darling girl, every single day because there are so many things I just cannot wait to tell you. That is why I started this journal, to make sure that you did not miss a moment of the happiness your father and I are experiencing, waiting for our joy.

I love you, my sweet girl, more than you will ever know.

Love,

Your Mother Lyla

I cover my mouth to hide the sound of the sobs that are wreaking havoc over my body. Never once had I seen anything written by my mother, nor heard anyone talk about her feelings toward me. She has been a mystery, a ghost, but she is coming to life before my eyes.

I can’t stop myself now. I read as quickly as I can, flipping the pages and soaking up this woman I never got to know.

By the time I reach the end, having read through every word a second time, the library is dark. My eyes are filled with a dull pain from both straining to read the words in the dimming light, too engrossed to stop, and from the constant tears being shed.

That’s it. It’s over. Those are the only words I will ever get from her.

Edmond was right. I needed to be alone when I read this. I am glad I listened, because I’m a mess. I curl up into a ball, sinking as deep into the chair as I can, clutching the journal to my chest and cry.

I let everything out, all the emotion that I tried to bottle in for the past twenty years. I let the sobs overtake me, my body heaving and my muscles clenching as I gasp for air. I can barely open my eyes, and my body feels as if it is made of stone.

I cry for gods know how long, alone in the library, hoping that no one will come looking for me.

I don’t want anyone’s comfort right now.

I only want hers.

I want to feel her arms wrap around me and hold me tight, petting my hair and telling me I will be alright. I want to know the sound of my mother’s voice and hear her say the words she used to sign off every note.

I love you, my sweet girl, more than you will ever know.

A hole in my chest widens at the realization that I will never know her, never truly meet my mother, who wanted me so badly. I will never meet the woman who took so much time writing to me about her day, her life, telling me stories of her childhood and her hopes and dreams for mine.

How could Edmond be so cruel, giving this to me now, when heknew that her time is done? That I will never have a chance to meet her? That my hope for ever knowing her is lost?

Why would he give me this gift, only to have her loss be so much harder now that I got to see a glimpse of this amazing woman, this parent who actually wanted me? My childhood, my whole life to this point, would have been so different if only my mother were there, and I wasn’t subject to a father who couldn’t care less, who could barely even look at me.

I feel the loss drag me down, deep under the waves of tears and hurt and pain.

I lay there in the chair, in the dark until the sobs slow, my body so heavy and my energy so depleted that I can barely move. All I have now are my thoughts, and I can’t get past the one repeatedly running through

my mind.

Why would Edmond do this to me?

Why would he want to hurt me in this way?