Page 98 of Never Forever

I wanted to say no. I wanted to pull her down on that couch and talk to her. Every conversation I’d saved up in the last ten years. I wanted to have them all. Right now.

Instead, I let myself out and it wasn’t until I was in the elevator that I allowed myself to finish that thought I’d had. The thought I couldn’t say out loud to her. Not yet.

I think…

I think this is going to be amazing.

Me: Hey. You okay?

Carrie: How did you get this number?

Me: Annie

Carrie: Seriously? She’s supposed to be on my side.

Me: You know Annie can’t take a side.

Carrie: That sounds like Annie. It’s midnight. Why are you texting? Don’t you have to be up at dawn?

Me: I do. But I can feel you freaking out from my house. It’s keeping me awake.

Carrie: Good. You deserve it. Sending more freak out waves now.

Me: Talk to me. What’s freaking you out the most?

Carrie:…

Carrie:…

Carrie:…

Carrie: This is my dream. This baby. I had big plans and I was really excited, and I guess I’m just coming to grips with the idea that I have to compromise all of that to accommodate you. Also, you didn’t want this. You didn’t dream this. I don’t even know how you feel. It’s been a battlefield between us this whole fucking time and I know that’s my fault too. I should be so happy right now. But instead I’m mad. And scared, but I still really want this baby.

Me: One thing I can control. I’m declaring a truce. You can wage war against me all you like, but I put down my weapons.

Carrie: It’s not that easy.

Me: It is. No more fighting. No more battlefield. And, how do I feel? I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy about this baby. I promise everything will be okay.

Carrie: You broke the only promise you ever made me.

Me: Yeah. I did. And I’m going to fix it. Get some sleep.

The Next Morning

Carrie: Have you told your dad yet?

Me: No.

Carrie: Good. Because you can’t. We need to go to the doctor and get confirmation and then we have to wait for 12 weeks.

Me: FYI, we’re not doing the secret thing again.

Carrie: It’s not that. It’s because that’s when most miscarriages happen and we don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.

Me: Okay

Carrie: That’s it? Okay?