Page 70 of Making the Save

“Not possible. It’s like taking a shower with a snake.” Looking at the ruddy length of him, I realized how foolish I’d been, thinking I could take him inside of my body. There’s no way he could fit inside of me. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.

He turned me so my back was against his front and the water hit my chest. I had no choice but to lean back against him or get a face full of water.

“That feels good,” I said.

He manifested a washcloth and soaped it up before sliding it over my breasts, down my stomach and in between my legs. The blood vanished, but the ache remained.

“Talk,” he said, and I could feel him using the washcloth on his body behind my back.

I didn’t turn to face him. The only way to have this conversation was if I wasn’t looking at him.

“I said I had something to tell you.”

“And then you didn’t.”

“I didn’t think you’d notice.”

His chest lifted against my back and I wasn’t sure if he was laughing or sighing.

“Tink, a man notices that kind of thing,” he said, and pressed one sweet kiss against my shoulder and I was happy he wasn’t mad at me anymore. “Tell me exactly what kind of experience you have.”

“You want my sexual history?” I asked and he hummed yes. Ornery, I whirled to face him. “You tell me yours first.”

Water beaded on his eyelashes and in his beard. He looked like Poseidon, if Poseidon was wedged into a tiny shower.

“I had sex with Jennifer Abrams when I was fifteen. I didn’t have sex again until I was nineteen and I thought I was in love with Joanne Blakely, who was two years older andknewthings.”

“What kinds of things?”

“We’ll get to that. Joanne and I dated for three years, but my schedule got to be too much for her. A few one night stands, that I quickly realized wasn’t my thing. There was Diane, who traveled a lot for her job, but we liked to hang out. When she was in town she’d give me a call. She met a guy she really liked, so webroke things off. Then I met Sydney Malloy in Las Vegas and she turned my world upside down.”

I blinked at him. He blinked at me.

“Spill Sydney.”

Thiswas what I was really embarrassed to tell him. My being a virgin was the symptom. This, my sad sad love life, this was the illness.

“I had a boyfriend in high school but we never went all the way. He was sweet but stupid and I was dating him because it was nice to be wanted. Then my song blew up and I was introduced to Axil when I was eighteen. We met at a party and I thought we hit it off. He was in a boy band that was having a lot of success, so we had a lot in common. The next day his manager talks to my manager and he came out to the Malibu house for what I thought was a date. Except he’s talking about the different types of events we can be seen at together, and how many nights a week he would hang with me at the house. I didn’t know. I thought maybe this was how it was done in LA. Like this was what famous people dating looked like. I developed a super hard crush on him, convinced myself I was falling in love for the first time, but nothing was everhappening.”

“He didn’t kiss you?”

I shook my head. “Whenever we were out, we held hands a lot. He said he was my boyfriend, that I was his girlfriend. I would make him Mac & Cheese from a box and we would watch movies all night together. I would tell myself the physical stuff would come eventually. Except when it didn’t, I decided maybe he was just shy and he needed me to make the first move. So I tried to kiss him one night and he freaked out on me.”

“What does freaking out entail exactly?”

“He threw me off the couch he was so shocked. Like I’d done something completely wrong. He kept saying that he thought I knew. Finally, I asked him what I was supposed to know.”

Wyatt nodded. “That he was gay.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “How does the entire planet know that except for me?”

“Relax, I didn’t know anything other than there’s no way a straight guy is hanging out with you and not trying to kiss you. What was his reason for staying in the closet? I didn’t think that was a thing anymore.”

“His managers were from the Stone-Age and convinced him the band would sell more tickets and merch to young girls if he stayed in the closet and his band mates pressured him to agree, so he did. As soon as his ride was over, he was going to come out. I haven’t heard about him dating anyone recently. Not sure where things stand for him.”

“I’m sorry, Syd.”

“I felt like an idiot even though we ended as friends. But I think from that point on, every time someone wanted to date me, I just assumed it was for show. Until that’s all I was doing, having these fake relationships.”