Page 19 of For the Cameras
I nodded. “She was nice. Really good at stats, too. She ended up moving to Berlin for a teaching position.”
Chase scrubbed his palms over his face. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Wait, why?”
“I was over here thinking about asking you if you had a boyfriend,” Chase said. “I have a nasty habit of just assuming every hot guy I meet is attracted to men.”
I felt my cheeks heat and instantly I wished I could force all of that blood back down out of my face. I had always been prone to visible blushing. Sometimes when I felt the heat creep up to my face, it only made me feelmoreembarrassed, which led to more blushing. A vicious cycle.
My cock had also perked up at Chase saying that I was “a hot guy,” but at least a half-chub in my pants was easy to hide under the table.
I cleared my throat. “Oh. Well, you’re, um, you’re not… an idiot.”
He waved a hand. “You’re too nice. Thanks, Adam. I still feel dumb for assuming, but good to know you’re straight.”
I swallowed. My heart rate was kicking up. “Well, I’m not.”
Chase’s eyes flickered to meet mine again. “Oh?”
“I’m not straight,” I told him, summoning the words from whatever place inside me that could ignore how weird it felt to talk about myself. “At first, when I was a kid, I thought I was straight. Then when I was a teenager I was certain that I must have been ‘turning gay,’ when I started to realize that I was also attracted to men. Then eventually in college I had to accept that I can be attracted to just about anyone. Not that I’m good at talking to people regardless of their gender.”
I felt like I was babbling, even though I had probably only been talking for thirty seconds tops. I wanted to keep adding clarifications and anecdotes, but I shut my mouth instead.
Chase looked visibly relieved. “I wasn’t trying to pry, but thank you for being comfortable enough to tell me that.”
“Of course.”
“Damn,” Chase said, looking me up and down. “You’re hotandbisexual. You must get some serious action on the apps.”
“Dating apps?” I asked.
He gave me a pointed stare. “You’re not on dating apps?”
“No,” I said, shifting on the bench seat. “I’m kind of a lone wolf, if you can’t tell.”
I didn’t mention the most personal part of my sexuality journey: that I’d still never had sex with another guy. I’d never so much askissedanother guy, even though I’d wanted to since I was a young teen and I was twenty-eight now. The stars had never aligned, and even though there had been a couple of guys in high school and college that I would have been into, I either hadn’t known if they were gay or hadn’t known if they had any interest in me. I’d been with two women before, one in college and one in grad school, and both had been sweet but short-lived relationships.
But in the past year, I liked that my OnlyShots videos mostly had a male audience. It was part of the thrill that kept me uploading. A craving for male attention and attraction that I’d never been able to fulfill before in real life.
But if anyone in my real life ever found out, I’d probably spontaneously combust into white-hot flames.
Chase was just shaking his head, gazing at me while he finished the dregs of his drink. “You could have anyone you wanted, and you’re not even on the apps. That’s some smart-guy swagger, right there.”
“I promise you, I can’t get anyone I want.”
He raised an eyebrow, casting doubt. “Bullshit.”
“I can barely make small talk with a cashier, let alone people on dates.”
“You’ve been doing great with me.”
I cocked my head to one side, considering. “You don’t count.”
“Oh, I don’t?” Chase said, a cocky little grin coming over his lips.
“That did not come out how I meant it to,” I said. “It’s a compliment, and it kind of came out sounding like an insult. All I mean is that you’re not as hard to talk to as most people are.”
Christ, he was one of the most attractive guys that had ever spoken with me. I hoped to hell that he wasn’t going to think I was insulting him.