Page 9 of For the Cameras

When it was my secret.

When it was just me in front of my cell phone, not surrounded by dozens of pairs of eyes and huge camera rigs. And when I did things on camera that I could never do with another person watching, other than strangers on the internet.

I’d uploaded my first jerk-off video to OnlyShots earlier this year, late at night on a whim, thinking no one would ever see it. I’d only filmed it out of curiosity, to see how it might look, but I’d quickly become addicted to the thrill of anonymously posting the videos to my account online. I’d chosen the nameAdam Dixas a joke, and now it was my username on the website, a name that my small group of followers knew me by.

It was one of the places in life where I had the most control. Where I could pretend to be someone with confidence, and where no one had to know how socially awkward I was in real life.

Where no one had to know how trulyinexperiencedI was in real life, either.

I pulled out my phone, squinting down in the sun at the screen. I thumbed over to the OnlyShots app, checking to see what new comments I had from my most recent video.

Twink_honey69: Best one yet, omg.

Hardsteele1983: KEEP TOUCHING URSELF FOR ME WOW UR HOT

ChillyIcyBlue: Perfection… fucking perfection as usual, Adam, I will never get sick of you.

Plaything4U_Boo: im dying holy god mmmmmmmmmMMM

I smiled to myself every time I read the comments. I had no idea who any of these people were, and that was how I liked it. Sometimes I saw repeat usernames in the comments, but that was it. I didn’t know their real names, they didn’t know mine. They could appreciate me from afar and that was enough for me.

“Hi,” a voice said from behind me as the balcony door swung open and I jumped, dropping my phone onto the deck with a clatter.

I turned to see a flash of blond and blue hair, and my pulse quickened again instantly. Chase was smiling at me andprobably wondering why the hell I was out here alone when we needed to be filming.

“Oh, hi, there,” I said, reaching down for my phone.

“I got it,” he said, bending to pick it up.

“No, no,” I said too forcefully, lurching forward to grab it, knowing full well what type of comments were all over the screen.

I snatched up the phone, locking it and shoving it into my pocket. No one in real life knew about my Adam Dix persona, and they never would, because I would promptly die of embarrassment.

“Sorry,” Chase said, holding up his hands. The blue of his eyes practically glittered in the sunlight. “Didn’t mean to intrude. Flynn’s just getting antsy to wrap up filming for the day, and Carla asked if I could come grab you to bring you back inside, and… are you okay? Do you need another five? Because I could push for that.”

“I’m fine.”Just be normal, like everyone else,I told myself, like I had hundreds of times before.

“Um, is there a reason they want to keep filming by the balcony doors?” I asked. “We could move the cameras to the opposite corner of the bedroom, maybe, and try to get less direct sunlight.”

Chase held up a finger, suddenly getting an excited look on his face, like he was eager to talk about the filming process. “Normally, you’d be right,” he said, “but actually, because we set up the diffusion filters by the balcony doors, that’s actually the best light in the place. It’s like butter. Fucking gorgeous, actually. I wish I had that kind of light in every place I filmed.”

“Diffusion filters,” I repeated.

“Yes,” Chase said, nodding. “Really just a big, fancy piece of fabric that turns direct light into softer light.”

He looked great when he talked about filming. He talked with his hands, and his soft pale skin peeked out from his T-shirt.

“You know your stuff,” I said.

“It’s what I’m best at,” Chase said. “You can make homemade filters. Pop some wax paper up on the window, and it’ll do the trick, almost as good as the expensive stuff. If you’re ever filming anything, I guess.”

“Right,” I said. “I’ll remember that. If I ever need it, or anything.”

I was already brainstorming ways I could use it to change the lighting in my simple OnlyShots videos, but I sure as hell couldn’t admitthatto Chase. It led to an awkward pause in the conversation, where I didn’t know what more to say and he clearly was trying to figure out what was going on in my mind.

He turned his head to one side after a moment. “So. Think you’re ready to head back in and finish up the takes?”

I knew he was trying to ask it as nicely as possible, but the truth was that I’d never be fully ready to head back inside. I just had to bite the bullet and make it happen.