Page 46 of Can't Stop Now

Will looked out at the gorgeous scenery, again thinking of how picturesque and beautiful it was in contrast to how torn up he felt inside.I have my perfect guy, in the perfect place, on a perfect night, he thought, looking over at Jacob,but none of it is really mine.

Twenty-Five

Jacob

Jacob sat out on the pool deck with Will, watching the sun go down. He at once felt terrible about what he had said to Will earlier, but also glad that he was able to spend this last night with him out here, the night perfect and clear. They were wordless watching the sunset for a while, struck by its beauty and the bittersweet ending of their road trip.

If only it could be like this forever, Jacob thought, looking over at Will. He loved the way he looked, his brown hair slightly disheveled, in his usual black jeans and t-shirt, his slender arms folded behind his head on the lounge chair. He was looking up at the stars, which were finally beginning to show after the sun had set. Jacob looked away, unable to control the ache in his heart when looking at Will.

He tried to think about Carrie, attempting to remember good times that he had with her, but coming up with nothing. He felt the alcohol coursing through his body, and his inhibitions running low.

“Hey Will,” he said, looking over at him. “Remember the scary movie we saw back in New York?Ghosts Down Under?” Jacob let out a laugh, surprised that he was even able to.

“Pshhhh…” Will said, grinning and shaking his head slowly, “Yeah. I remember making myself look like an idiot, if that’s what you mean.”

“Yeah, but I mean, come on. You’re not the only one who did that in recent memory. I could barely walk out onto that glass ledge in the Sears Tower in Chicago. I only did it because I wanted to impress you,” Jacob said, grinning at the memory. “I think I was shaking for a solid three minutes after doing that!” he laughed.

“Hey, a fear of heights is a legitimate fear, at least. I’m just scared of fake movie ghosts and monsters,” Will said, finishing his drink.

Jacob looked up at the sky. “Wow, the stars are really clear and beautiful here,” he said, amazed.

“I know, I was thinking the same thing. They’re perfect,” Will said, gazing up.

“Butoooooh, Will, watch out, or an alien monster will come down from the sky and beam you up!” Jacob joked, his voice low at first and then breaking into laughter.

Will laughed. “Shut the fuck up, Jacob,” he said, smiling, and leaned over to give Jacob a little slap on the arm. The feeling of Will’s touch, even that little one, sent a rush through Jacob’s body.Damn, I am gonna miss that, Jacob thought, looking at Will.I am gonna miss him, he thought, his mind suddenly turning bittersweet again.

“In all seriousness, Will. Thank you for taking this trip with me. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without you,” he said, trying to keep his voice even.

Will didn’t respond, instead just continuing to look up at the sky.

“I mean it, Will. No matter what happens going forward, this meant a lot to me. More than you know. You’ll… you’ll always have a place in my heart,” Jacob said, wanting to say so much more, but holding back. His heart beat a little quicker.

“Jacob, stop…” Will said, taking a deep breath, keeping his eyes on the stars, not looking at Jacob. Will ran a hand through his own hair, pushing it back.

Jacob sat up in his seat, facing Will.

“There’s a part of me that wishes… wishesso badlythat we could be…” Jacob started, but was interrupted by Will.

“Jacob, you’ve got to fucking stop,” he said, shaking his head slowly, squeezing his eyes shut.

“What if I can’t, Will? What if… I can’t stand to be away from you after this trip?” Jacob said, feeling the emotions rise up inside of him, knowing he shouldn’t be saying these things, but they poured out of him.

“Stop!” Will said, almost shouting. He finally looked over at Jacob, and he could see that Will’s eyes were a little watery. “Stopsaying this shit, Jacob. You’ve said your piece, earlier. I can’t take it. I can’t hear this any more from you.”

“Why not?” Jacob asked.

“Do you really need to ask me why not?” Will said, his voice breaking. “Because I’m fucking falling for you, Jacob. Or I alreadyhavefallen for you. And you’ve made it clear that it’s never gonna happen between you and me, and that’s your decision, and I get it. But I just can’t hear about how much youwishyou could be with me, but you’re not gonna do it. I can’t.” The look in his eyes killed Jacob. Will got up from the chair, took a deep breath in, and turned to walk back inside.

Jacob called after him, knowing it was pointless. Will was right. Jacob had shut the door on anything between them earlier today, and there was no use saying anything more. It would only hurt them both. Jacob breathed in deep, squeezing his eyes shut, swallowing hard. He rubbed his hands over his face and leaned back, looking up at the stars. It didn’t seem half as beautiful, now that he was out there alone. Nothing was as enjoyable without Will.

Jacob stayed out by the pool for at least another hour. He figured he needed to give Will some alone time, time away from him where he could collect himself.

When he finally did venture back up to the hotel room, he found Will asleep in bed with the lights still on, music playing on his phone. Jacob turned the music off and noticed that Will had fallen asleep with his sketchbook lying next to him. Jacob picked it up and flipped through it again, his heart aching at the memory of when he looked through it the last time. He had last looked through it in bed next to Will, and he probably never would be again.

He gently placed the sketchbook on the bedside table. He let himself look at Will for a few moments as he slept, wishing that he could reach down and move his hair from his face, to feel his skin again, to lay beside him in bed.

Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut, breathing in and walking away. He walked to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth before bed. On his way, he noticed a folded piece of paper in the trash bin near the door of the room. He reached in to pick it up, curious. When he unfolded the paper he realized that it was the drawing Will had made of him in the car, just a few days ago, but what felt like an eternity.