Page 105 of Sunday Morning

That was the first time Matt had been allowed in my bedroom.

“Where were you? Everyone thought you were …”

Dead.

Everyone thought I was the one in the car with Heather.

My gaze affixed to the chipped corner of my nightstand. I couldn’t look at him.

“Sarah?” He sat on the edge of my bed, resting his hand on my arm. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t talk about it,” I whispered, releasing a tear with a heavy blink.

“Why? Our friends are dead, Sarah. And you?—”

“I know!” I rolled onto my back and covered my eyes with the heels of my hands. “You have to leave. I don’t want you here. I just want everyone t-to leave m-me alone.” I sobbed.

“Sarah—” Matt touched my leg.

I jerked away. “Just. Go!” Emotion ripped through mybody in crashing waves, each one slamming into my heart as I held my breath to suppress my crying.

A few seconds later, the door clicked shut.

I’d never thoughtabout grief on a deep level, probably because I hadn’t lost anyone close to me. It was like sex. I had this idea in my head from watching movies and reading books, but the reality didn’t match. Or maybe it did for some people, just not me.

Anger suffocated all the sadness. My emotions were layered.

Anger.

Guilt.

Grief.

And whatever came after that.

Whateverthatwas felt unreachable, like chasing a mirage in the desert that would never quench my thirst for clarity and reason.

“Do you want me to curl your hair?” Eve asked as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at my lifeless reflection.

Black was my least favorite color, but Mom made sure my sisters and I always had one basic black dress to wear to funerals. Since my dad was the preacher at the only church in Devil’s Head, we attended many of the funerals. But most of the time, we barely knew the deceased (predominantly elderly people).

Eve didn’t wait for my answer. She plugged in the curling iron and brushed through my hair. “You can tell me,” she said.

I glanced at her reflection, and she shrugged.

“Anything. You can tell me anything. I can keep a secret.”

“I don’t want you to have to keep my secret,” I mumbled.

She began curling my hair. “Your friends died. Mom and Dad are so relieved you weren’t in the car. I don’t think you’ll get in trouble.”

“It’s not about me. I just …” I dropped my gaze to the sink. “I did something that will hurt a lot of other people, and I can’t be the one to cause any more pain right now.”

I commended Eve for not pushing me, but I saw it in her face, she wanted to help me.

Nobody could help me.

“We have to go,” Mom called.