Page 79 of Sunday Morning
I knew there would be bumps, and I might fall a few times and scrape my elbows and knees, but it was worth it.
“Say it again,” I said, stepping onto the running boardand removing his hat while he slid one hand along my backside.
“With me,” he said before kissing me.
After the rodeo,Matt drove us to our favorite spot. It was torturous. The boy I’d loved and to whom I gave my virginity wanted to be intimate with me. But I still tasted Isaac on my lips and felt his hands on my body. Did it matter that with or without Isaac in the picture, I didn’t want to be Matt’s wife? Did it matter that we were going to be over soon?
Life didn’t seem as simple as right and wrong. Truths and lies.
My relationship with Matt reached far beyond us. Did that make it okay to have sex with him so we’d stay together a little longer so our families didn’t have any bad blood?
He put the car inParkand unbuckled, scooting toward the middle this time instead of walking around to my side. Maybe this meant we were just going to make out.
Even that felt forced and wrong.
But we did—we kissed.
He touched me on the outside of my clothes before pulling my T-shirt off. Again, we kissed, and he slid his hand inside my bra for the first time.
I choked on a suppressed sob.
Matt reared his head back and froze. “Sarah, w-what’s wrong?”
I shook my head, holding my breath along with the emotions threatening to gush out with it. Then I wiped my eyes before the tears escaped. “N-nothing,” I whispered.
“You’re crying. That’s not nothing.”
I hugged my shirt to my chest. “This is so w-wrong.”
Matt drew his brows together. “But we already … I mean, do you regret what we did? I thought you wanted to? I thought you liked it.”
“I did. I just …” I shook my head again. “I’m sorry. I feel like we’re going a million miles an hour, and I’m afraid it’s too fast. You’re going to college soon. I’m staying here. Our families are waiting around for us to get married, but they don’t know we’re breaking up. And I feel like it’s too much. I can’t do this.” I shook my head and wiped my eyes. “There’s so much pressure to make everyone happy, and we haven’t had time to adjust to life outside of high school. And now we’re having sex, and what if something happened and I got pregnant? And I know this is my fault. I brought it up. I thought we could do this without feeling like it had to mean something more. But …”
Matt’s expression softened, surrendered like he understood my concerns. “No. It wasn’t just you. I wanted this too,” he said, hugging me. “But you’re right. A lot is happening all at once. I thought we could do this and enjoy our summer, like a really good farewell. But you’re right. It will only make it harder, and it’s not worth the risk.” He sighed, releasing me and running his hands through his hair.
Isaac was wrong. Matt cared about me. He loved me. Maybe he didn’t show it in grand ways, like buying me a guitar and taking me to Nashville, but I was the girl he fell in love with when we were just kids. And I think, had I not advocated for splitting up, he would have married me.
He loved me more than I loved him.
That. Broke. My. Heart.
I loved him, but not like that. Love couldn’t be forced or faked. Not that kind of love.
It felt like an impossible choice—hurting my first love and risking my family’s security or being honest. The truth felt more cruel than the lie. I wanted Matt to be the one with the wandering eye, finding someone else so I didn’t feel like an awful person.
But he would never choose anyone but me as long as we were living in Devil’s Head.
“Is it over?” he asked with a deep frown. “Should we stop now?”
I panicked. What if his dad stopped helping my parents?
“Hey,” Matt grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m not looking forward to telling my family either.” He offered a small grin, obviously reading my mind. “I think they like you better than they like me.”
I returned a nervous chuckle. “That’s not true.”
“So we don’t tell anyone.”
“For how long?”