Page 47 of Beyond the Rules
“He would’ve done the sameforme.”
I knew how difficult something like that wouldbe. “Hard.”
“Real rough.” She put down her mug and met my stare. “Watching someone you love fighting for his life has to be one of the hardest things a person can do. Watching and waiting. Nothing else youcando.”
I hated the sadness that smothered the glow in her eyes, deepened the lines of her face, and pulled her away from this moment,fromme.
“He got tired of the daily grind.” Her throat rippled with a strained swallow. “One shot. He quitonme.”
The light in her eyes was gone. The darkness I knew so well stared back at me from the emptiness in her gaze. I knew the pain that hid behind the hollowness, the sucking sound that became the background of a life that wasn’t worth living. I wasn’t much for words, didn’t think they helped much, but for Nina, I hadtotry.
“He just wanted the pain to stop,” I said. “He didn’t mean to leave you feeling soalone.”
Her golden eyes challenged me with her stare. “How could you know exactly howIfelt?”
“I’ve been on both sides of thisbridge.”
“Howso?”
Oh, fuck. She was gonna make me talkaboutit.
“My mom.” I pushed out the words. “All my life, it was only her and me. Then she got sick. I took leave to care for her. We’d win some battles and then…the cancer would come back. She ended it too. Overdose. After I buried her, I went back on active duty. Then the ridge and afterthat,this.”
“I’m so sorry, Aiden.” Her eyes glowed softly and her grief reached out to mine. “Sounds like you got slammed with a lot of sorrow, allatonce.”
I’d never looked at it that way, as if my current condition resulted from a cumulative effect, but suddenly it seemed entirely plausible that Nina wasright.
“PTSD.” She wasn’t afraid to say it. “I’m told it’s different for everyone. How does it feeltoyou?”
“It feels like…” I swallowed around the stone in my throat and made an effort to find the words. I’d never talked to anyone about how I felt. Not even Tanner and Zar. I suspected they knew. People like us, whether we recognized it or not, we all shared in the darkness. Some felt it more acutely. Some hid it more aptly. But in the end, Nina was right. It was different for everyone and particularly badforme.
Nina reached over and, seizing my hand, squeezed it gently. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talkaboutit.”
I clung to her fingers, which looked so small and delicate in the grip of my hand. “It feels…weird. Surreal but also very real. Sometimes, when I’m out, I see stuff…” Rifles poking out of a window, backpacks that looked like IEDs waiting to explode. “All sortsofshit.”
Her lips curved down into a little wince. “That’s gottosuck.”
“It did. Until I got here.” I fastened my gaze on the horizon. “I’m better here.I’mokay.”
“You know what?” She held my hand with both of hers. “I get what you’re saying. I feel peace here as well. It’s going to be a bear givingitup.”
“Giving it up?” I frowned. “What do you meanbythat?”
“Once Dimayev is in jail and Calamity is caught, it’ll be time for metobail.”
“Bail?” My guttightened. “Why?”
“You guys are going to get fed up with me pretty soon and give metheboot.”
Like that would ever happen. Panic twisted my gut. She was already thinking about leaving. Where the hell was Tanner when youneededhim?
“Nina, can I saysomething?”
“Sure.”
“Your father was a dick, but your brother? He didn’t betray you. He made a choice. For himself. You shouldn’t be afraid. You’re no longer alone.Weare here.Foryou.”
She tilted her head and met my stare. Her eyes were extra-bright, shimmering with tears, which only added to my rising sense of panic. I didn’t want her to cry. Ever. I wanted only to hear her laugh, to kiss hersmile.