Page 91 of The Love We Make

She was my best friend.

Practically my sister.

And I could never ever tell her I had a crush on her. Everyone would give her a hard time. Everyone would think it was gross. And it was. It wasn’t ok to have a crush on her.

So I vowed then and there to never ever tell anyone I had a crush on Madison.

Besides, I would get over it.

Chapter 31

Madison

I spent a few peaceful nights at mom and dad’s house. The lake behind their house had a small pier and that is where I sat most evenings, trying to comprehend everything my mom had told me.

The more I thought about it, the more I thought she was right.

I had always looked at Ethan like he hung the moon and the stars. I loved him without question and without apologies. I always assumed that was just how best friends were. We were so close and that was just normal for people like us.

But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that on some level, I always thought Ethan was something more to me. Maybe not the extent of being a lover but definitely more.

I had an invisible claim on him. I hated everyone he was ever with long-term. I was always happiest when he was around. But knowing it wasn’t ok to think of him as more than a friend made me suppress those feelings as the years went on.

What Ethan and I had was a habit. And sex broke those habits. It created a window into something we never even considered and now it was hard to close that window and move on.

The worst part was, if Ethan didn’t feel the same way, I would have to close those windows alone. I would have to start over, suppressing my feelings as I did from the beginning.

I didn’t talk anymore to mom. Not about Ethan. I knew where she stood now and I needed to figure this all out without her influence.

I was back to feeling lonely.

She loved Ethan and I was willing to bet she was rooting for us. But she didn’t quite understand how impossible it all was.

I drew my knees up to my chest and rested my head on my crossed arms in front of me. I looked down at the water and watched the movement, letting it soothe me.

A tear ran down my cheek thinking back on how I made a mess of everything by being so eager to lose my virginity. This was all my fault.

I still just had a hard time regretting making love to him, though.

“Hey,” I jumped at the deep voice behind me. My heart started beating fast and as much as I wanted to turn and face the voice, my pride kept my head lowered to hide my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Hey,” I mumbled, not looking back, keeping my head down on my knees. He wasn’t supposed to be here.

“It's been exactly one month, Maddy.”

I sucked in a breath and shook my head, trying to get my emotions in check. “What are you doing here?”

“Playing hooky.” I could hear the humor in his voice.

“Aren't you supposed to pitch tonight?” I kept up with his schedule and knew he was due to pitch tonight.

“Yeah, but I needed to be here instead. I needed to be able to see you the second our month was up.”

“Your parents give me up that quick?”

“Ha, no. You know they love you more than me. Actually, Tim told me that when he called to tell you about Ben, he heard your flight announced in the background.”

Damn, I knew that may happen.