Page 59 of Dirty Monsters
It’d had actually been a nice few weeks with Ro. I’d finally managed to get under his tough layer, and we had become somewhat normal. As normal as two fucked-up ex-siblings got. We talked a lot but never about shit that was too deep.
There were moments when I could tell he wanted to open up more, though, and tell me all his dirty little secrets. I could see it in his eyes when he focused on me—as if he wanted to bare it all. But then he’d shake his head and turn away again.
On some level, it bothered me, but what did I expect?
We weren’t a couple. This thing we had would be ending soon when I left anyway.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to leave Florida. Ormoretruthfully, I didn’t want to leave Ro. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to stay.But rehab wasn’t a place to stick around in. Not for me.
The night before I was set to move to Green House, I sat with Shawn at dinner and chatted about the latest gossip. He’d been hanging out with Nick, which consisted of most of our gossip because I still didn’t want to spill too much about Ro.
Shawn kept me entertained as he gave me all the salacious details, and I sat quietly and listened, waiting for Ro to appear. I hadn’t seen him since the night before, in our shack, drunk on the orgasms he gave me. We talked about me moving over to Green House and finally spoke about it without feeling down about it. He also told me he had meetings all day, so I knew it would be nighttime before I saw him. I had still hoped to see him by dinner, though.
My heart sank a little when I realized the end of dinner had come and gone without a Ro sighting. I knew I would see him when I snuck down to his room later, but it was nice getting confirmation from him—a nod or something—that he was excited to see me. I still didn’t have a phone, so it wasn’t like I could text him and ask where he was.
Going all day without seeing him was different, odd. Still, I had no doubt I would see him at dinner, and that didn’t happen. I hadn’t even gotten a little note from him like he said he would send.
By the time I had made my way to my room, I was debating on if I should even sneak down to see him at all. I knew he was probably busy, but the petty side of me wanted his smile, his secret glances, his attention.
I opened the door to my room slowly, hoping he was there and going to surprise me. I was so desperate for him that I set myself up for any small bone he would throw my way.
Although being in my room wouldn’t have been a small gesture, it would have been a huge one. It was much more dangerous to be in my room. The chances of being seen by a roaming nurse or patient were magnified.
My room was dark, the window was open, and the drapes were floating in the breeze as it sifted through. The smell of the ocean tickled my senses, and if I closed my eyes, I could picture us on the beach. Ro holding my hand, us sitting in the sand together, the love made up against the wall in the shack. A smile crested my lips slightly, and I liked the way thinking about him made me feel.
So wrong, but so right.
The ocean would always be ours. The sounds and smells would always remind me of him, no matter where we both ended up after this.
As I scanned my room, I could tell he wasn’t there, and my face fell a little. But then I perked back up when I noticed a piece of paper on my desk. I almost tripped over myself, trying to see what it was.
Opening it up, I was excited to see it was a private note. A thrill ran through me as I read the words.
Meet me at the beach shack, baby.
He’d never written a note like this before. It had been too risky before to be so bold. Even his note about choosing was vague and held no context. This note was direct and left little to anyone’s imagination about what happened at the beach shack.
He took the chance thinking no one else would visit my room and see the note first. It made what we were doing feel like something worth risking everything for. That getting caught mattered less and less because being together was worth it.
A smile parted my lips at the thought. My heart no longer felt mechanical. It was a real live feeling machine. It felt like the only thing at risk anymore was my heart. It was going to be broken.Iwas going to be broken. I had let myself feel way too much for Rohlen.
I wanted him, every last scrap he’d give me.
Despite my flaws, most things in my life were easy for me. I thanked my physical characteristics and my parents’ money. But those things wouldn't affect Ro, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit it was part of the appeal with him.
We weren’t a couple, but he made me work for what we did have. Rohlen was my drug, and I got so high each time he gave me a part of himself.
I quickly dressed in something fitting for the beach and snuck out of my room, down the back stairwell, and out into the night. I crept across the back parking lot and down over the sand dunes, my feet sinking into the sand with each carefully placed step.
Once I knew I was out of sight from the house, I picked up my pace, wanting to see him as quickly as possible. This night felt different, more electric. Maybe it was the note or my realization about how much I needed him, but something compelled me to rush quicker than ever to be with him.
The crash of waves was peaceful as the foam swept ashore and met the sand. I listened to the ocean every night, but I took an extra minute to soak it in before finding Ro.
I walked out to the water's edge, the wet sand massaging my feet as I admired the moon high above me. It was a clear night with no clouds to hide the velvety darkness of the night around me.
The breeze from the ocean danced across my exposed shoulders and swirled my hair around. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath of the briny sea air, committing the smell to memory. We only have a few more of these nights left, and I wanted to remember each moment because I knew I might never get more of them.
The water was chilly, so I slowly drifted away from the shoreline, unruly sand sticking to my feet as I traipsed along. A smile skirted across my face the closer I came to my destination. I imagined his smirk when he saw me walk through the door, the way he would reach out to grab me and pull me in for a kiss.