Page 11 of That Last Secret
My hands fall to the side and I release a sigh, working to control my ragged breaths. “I don’t know, just a lot in my head,” I admit.
When I don’t hear him immediately respond, I glance in his direction, and the look on his face is passive and unreadable.
“Has nothing to do with blondie in the emergency room, does it?”
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I say with a dismissive tone.
Silas holds up his hands in defense. “I won’t make you talk about it, but if you want to, you can.”
How do I explain my thoughts to someone when I can’t wrap my head around them myself?
I can’t put words together to explain that I can’t eat pizza anymore without thinking of my dad never coming home. Or how my best friend’s little sister is so deeply buried under my skin that I can’t stand the way I see her now.
I can’t say any of that.
Not to him. Not to anyone.
“I’m good. Let’s go one more round,” I say, swiftly changing the subject before Silas can probe further. “Then we can hit up the East Side dive bar for some burgers.”
Silas smiles and raises his mitts to his face. “Give me all you got, Bennett.”
And I do just that.
“Well, this was long overdue,”Peyton says, placing her napkin on the table after finishing her meal. “I feel like it’s been forever since we got together for our Tuesday night dinners.”
“It really was what we needed,” Kali agrees.
When Peyton moved to the city last fall, she, Kali, and Avery started a weekly tradition of going to Old Jose. It’s this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant with the best atmosphere and food where we meet for tacos and tequila.
Avery claims that combining the two solves all of life’s problems. Since Peyton started inviting me to their weekly nights, I can confirm it does. Having a group of girlfriends to talk or vent to about whatever is going on in your life is like a breath of fresh air.
I had a handful of friends before these girls, but they all moved away for college, which turned into one of those things where we just never kept in touch.
At first, it was disappointing because we had gone through so much together during high school. But I quickly learned that maybe those people weren’t meant to be in my life long term. I’ve seen what real friendship is like with these girls.
It’s carefree.
It’s filled with laughter and a great time.
These girls have become everything to me, and I’m so grateful for their presence in my life. They’ve shown me the true meaning of friendship and I couldn’t be more thankful.
“How’s school going, Em?” Kali asks. “You’re almost halfway done with your second semester, right?”
“Yeah, I am. It’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be.” I laugh lightly.
It’s challenging to explain nursing school to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It involves constant studying, feeling overwhelmed by clinical work, and moving from one topic to the next without fully grasping the previous one.
It’s only intensified my panic attacks.
Not a soul knows I deal with them in the first place.
Not my brothers. Not Peyton, Avery, or Kali.
Not even Brooke.
I’d like to keep it that way too.
It’s such a pathetic thing to keep a secret, but I don’t want anyone to worry about me more than they already do. My brothers and friends already worry so much about me. I want to be able to stand on my own. Anyone knowing I have them would make things so much worse for me.