Page 27 of Going for Two

“What are you going to do about it?” Maggie asked me.

“Nothing. There’s nothing I can do about it,” I told her. “That would be messy.”

“Maybe you need a little messy in your life, sis.” Olivia cocked an eyebrow at me in challenge.

“I said I needed to live life a bit more, not turn my entire life into a giant clusterfuck.”

Olivia only shrugged her shoulders before she tossed another piece of popcorn into her mouth. “It would only be a clusterfuck if people found out. Look at Maggie, she and Tommy hid the truth of their very fake relationship to the entire world.”

“Not very well,” I reminded her.

“Hey!” Maggie exclaimed. I raised an eyebrow at her, daring her to tell me otherwise. “That’s fair,” she sighed, and sank back into the couch cushions.

I wasn’t about to take my turn at hiding a relationship with a professional athlete. That was the last thing I needed to spice up my life. All I had in mind was seeing more of the world, not risking everything I’d spent so long building.

But I knew that I feared more than just that. The way my entire body had wanted to turn into putty at Nolan’s feet the moment he entered my personal space or the way I immediately wondered what it would be like if he had just kissed me had me panicking.

When I first started this dating journey for the bucket list, I hadn’t fully realized the fear I had around it. The thought of falling in love with someone only to grow bitter and hateful like my parents lived in the back of my mind like a parasite. It wasn’t until Nolan approached me in the parking lot that I recognizedthose feelings in myself. Maybe there was a good reason I hadn’t dated anyone all these years. Maybe subconsciously I knew that was what would bring me the least potential of pain.

“How am I supposed to face him after this?” I whispered to Maggie and Olivia. Their faces softened as they looked at me.

Olivia reached out and squeezed my hand to reassure me in the same way I had done to her all those years when she was a kid. “Just act like nothing happened.”

“We made so much progress on our relationship. What if he goes back to trying to avoid me? What if he thinks it will be awkward?” The question had been bouncing around in my head from the moment he had turned away from me in that parking lot. I was worried I’d be starting all over with him. I’d grown up to be skeptical of relationships after watching each of my parents fail the other. One day they’d both woken up and decided to stop choosing the other. They viewed their relationship as a mistake. I’d promised myself at a young age that I would never find myself in a similar situation. If I found the person who would stand next to me, no matter what, I was going to choose them every day.

“Then he’s a complete idiot.” Maggie moved to lie on the ground next to me and shortly after Olivia followed suit. The two wrapped their arms around me and I finally let the worries I’d been carrying with me slip away.

Chapter 13

Nolan

I was back to avoiding Lottie in the practice facility all because of my stupid impulses and embarrassment. I’d managed to slip around her schedule by coming to the facility a little later for my run and going through all the exercises that she normally ran me through by myself. I cornered Zeke into giving me treatment while Lottie was busy with Derek or another player. All while I found myself missing our weekly routine and her easy banter that always put me at ease during practices.

During the game the following Sunday, Lottie had picked up on me avoiding her and simply left me alone. I’d felt unsteady the entire game from being out of the routine that Lottie and I had been using. Somehow, we’d still managed to pull out a win, moving us to five wins and no losses so far in the season.

The following week heading into Monday night’s game for week six was much of the same, except this time Lottie seemed to make herself scarce when it came to my schedule.

I thought the space would bring me some clarity and help both of us forget about the line that I had almost crossed. Instead, it only seemed to make everything worse. I became acutely aware of her absence while I tried to avoid her. Then I became so painfully aware of when she was near me that I couldn’t focus on much of anything else. At practice my eyes would drift to where she stood on the sidelines instead of to my receivers. I watched the leaves turn from green to vibrant shades of reds and oranges as I went on our daily run by myself through the neighborhoodby the practice facility as I continued to give the two of us space. I felt like I was back to square one with all the progress I had made slipping away from me.

Unfortunately, I hadn’t managed to get my focus under control for our sixth game. I’d thrown two interceptions by halftime and when I sat in the locker room listening to our coach grill us on what changes we needed to make for the rest of the game, all I could think about was how desperately I wanted one of Lottie’s pep talks right now. But once again, she was nowhere to be found.

The second half of the game didn’t go any different than the first. The Orlando Dream handed us our first loss of the season. The silence in the locker room was deafening. It was always the hardest to deal with the first loss of the season and it was both a wonderful and terrible thing that it was happening so far in. Slowly, the team trickled out of the locker room toward the team bus that would take us back to the airport and home.

Eventually it was only Derek and me left.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Derek was sitting in the cubby of the locker he was using, fully dressed for the plane. It looked like he had been waiting for me this entire time.

“Not really,” I told him. I let my eyes drift closed for a second to try and will away the itch in my head that was Charlotte Thompson. It was an itch I couldn’t quite seem to scratch.

“Well, too fucking bad, because I’m going to make you talk about it anyways.”

Derek raised both eyebrows as an invitation for me to start talking and explain why I’d been so out of sorts this past week. I let out a sigh as I took off the remainder of my clothes from the game. I knew I was stalling because I was afraid the moment I admitted to Derek that I was pretty sure all of this centeredaround Lottie, he’d grow excited and I didn’t need that version of him right now.

Surprisingly, Derek waited patiently for me to speak instead of trying to pester the truth out of me. My chest felt tight as I tried to figure out how to get the words out. I’d never been vulnerable with my friends when it came to my personal life. I’d only ever spoken with them about our jobs and nothing more.

“This all feels ridiculous and I’m honestly ashamed I let this all affect our jobs,” I started as I tried to navigate the conversation.

“But you like Lottie and don’t know what to do about it?” Derek filled in for me once he saw how hard it was for me to admit any of this.