Page 68 of Going for Two
The thought that someone had done something to hurt her bad enough for her to cry made my chest become unbearably tight. I reached for her, wanting to pull her into a hug as words seemedto escape me. I wanted to do whatever I could to try and comfort her, but she stepped out of my grasp.
“Are you really considering playing again next year?”
For just a moment, I wanted to punch Gary Martinez for taking any opportunity of discussing this with her and leaking that to the press to force my hand. I sighed when I realized the two of us were about to walk onto a battlefield together, except we might be on opposite sides.
“The coaching staff and Gary Martinez approached me a few weeks ago about playing again next year. It was when I’d asked about coming back to coach.”
There was an almost inaudible gasp from Lottie at my confession.
“Weeks ago?” This time, Lottie didn’t bother hiding the hurt on her face. “Why hadn’t you talked to me about it?”
I had flashbacks of my previous relationship and how all Rachel cared about was how my career affected her. She loved the benefits but hated how my attention was often pulled away from her. As Lottie stood before me, anger radiating off her for not informing her on a decision that I had made for my own career, I feared something similar happening.
“But only because we understand when it’s time to stop choosing ourselves and start choosing the other person. It’s a give and take.”Hawthorn’s advice from practice earlier in the week rang through my head like a warning, but I chose to ignore it. If Lottie wasn’t going to think rationally, neither was I.
“Well, you hadn’t decided yet if I was worth the risk, so I didn’t feel like I needed to tell you. I wanted to make the decision for myself,” I told her, a sour feeling filling my stomach as I realized we were gearing up for a knock-down-drag-out fight.
“I made it clear to you that I wouldn’t date you if you continued to play! It’s unprofessional and against my contract to date a player,” Lottie exclaimed, throwing her hands up.
“Is that really what the problem is, Lottie? Because you seemed to decide against your own rules that we should give us a shot. You and I both know that there are easy solutions to that problem. I think you know there’s something else happening here,” I told her, hating how every sentence I threw at her felt like it was hurting me just as much as it was hurting her.
Lottie shrank away from me as if I’d physically hit her with my words. But now that I knew I’d hit the mark, I wasn’t stopping. “What really bothers you about me coming back for another season?”
Her lower lip trembled as she looked at me like I was someone she didn’t recognize anymore. But then I watched her steel herself as she prepared to answer me.
“I watched my father continue to choose football and his career over his family and I refuse to let history repeat itself. His choices made my mother a shell of herself and forced me to grow up much quicker than I needed to. I don’t want to see myself constantly put on the back burner so you can cling on to the last bits of your career.” The hurt in Lottie’s eyes slowly turned into a determined fire as she tried to repair the armor I had tried my best to damage.
“I thought you said you’d support me in whatever I wanted to do,” I reminded her. I had no idea why I was still trying to add gasoline to the fire, but the words slipped out of my mouth on their own.
“Of course I will,” Lottie replied, exasperated. “I will always support you. I want you to make the decision that’s best for you. But if your decision is not what’s best for me, I can still support you while also choosing myself. I still believe you’ll be a fantasticcoach, Nolan. And I’m excited for when you realize what I see in you. But I think it’s for the best if we stop seeing each other until you figure out what you want to do with your life.”
I never expected fighting with someone you truly love to hurt so badly. It was like fighting without any armor. And it was as Lottie suggested that we stop seeing each other that I finally realized that I did truly love her. But it was clear we both had things we needed to address. To love each other, first we needed to learn to love ourselves better.
“This conversation is not going the way I had wanted it to.” I scrubbed a hand over my face as I let out a sigh.
I began pacing.
“I’ve never admitted this out loud to anyone before, but I’ve been terrified for the end to come because I’m afraid that once I’m on the other side of this, I’ll realize that was the best life had to offer for me. I’m afraid that there’s nothing else that I’m truly good at or that will bring me the same joy I feel when I play.”
Lottie studied me, her head slightly cocked as she watched me lay out all the pieces of myself that I normally hid from everyone else.
“I’m aware that taking this offer might be selfish. I would be taking away an opportunity from Caleb and potentially ruining the team’s future if Caleb gets traded. What’s even worse is that I hadn’t even really considered the offer when they gave it to me—not until they offered me even more money than my current contract. I would have liked to think I was the kind of person that couldn’t be bought, but that was the only thing that had me second-guessing if I should do it. Maybe it’s not about the money. Maybe this offering stroked my ego that they wanted me that badly.”
Every few sentences I stole a glance at Lottie, fearful that she’d be looking at me with disgust. To my surprise, her eyebrowswere pulled together and she looked like she wanted to reach out to let me know she was there. It was the only thing that gave me the courage to keep going.
“I know in my heart that I must make the best decision for myself. The problem is that I don’t know what that is yet. What I do know is that you have managed to melt the frost on my heart that grew over these last few years. You’ve managed to make me into a better man—one that might be capable of treating you right …” I paused. “Might even be capable of truly loving you right.”
Lottie froze.
“I want to kiss every scar that time has left on you, Lottie. That your father has left on you. I want to give you the life that you’ve always deserved. I truly believe that.”
A gasp sounded through the room as Lottie flopped down into the chair at her desk. She wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her hands up and down as she wrestled with how to respond. A single tear broke free and trailed down her cheek as she stared down at her empty desk.
“I want to move forward with you, but I don’t think I can,” she finally choked out. “Maybe we are meant to be in the future, but I can’t risk letting myself get hurt. Not again. Not right now.”
“I dare you to let me treat you right,” I fought back. “I promise you it’ll be worth it. I know it. Let me prove it to you.”
I never thought I’d ever beg for anyone, but there was a first time for everything.