Page 103 of InfraRed
“Dad will,” Graham says. “He’s raised him all these months. Heloveshim. I honestly believe that baby has brought him back to life. He’s like he used to be before… everything.”
“I-if Maxwell keeps Noah, who will Jagger be to him?” I ask, trying to understand what Graham is saying.
“His brother. He never has to know otherwise. But we have to file for a new birth certificate, and Jagger has to sign official paperwork that makes Dad his adoptive father.”
Jagger slumps into the chair with his fingers gripping his hair. He doesn’t say anything for a while. When he looks up, my heart breaks as tears fall down his cheeks. “I hate how I feel, you know? I don’t want to feel sick every time I think of him. It fucking hurts because it’s not his fucking fault. And… Maybe one day I’ll regret it and wish I’d done everything differently, but I can’t see the future. I only know how I feel now, and he deserves better than that.”
I look over my shoulder at Graham, my mouth twisting with the question burning on my tongue. “Wh-what if Jagger changes his mind later? What then? I-I want Noah to be loved and happyand stable, but I don’t want Jagger hurt if he changes his mind later. Or worse, he’s never able to have a relationship with Maxwell again. Maybe…” The thought breaks my heart before I say it, but I know I need to. “What if he’s adopted by someone else?” The idea of never seeing Noah again is ripping me apart, but I know, even if I suggested I take Noah, the result would be the same. I need Jagger in my life. I don’t want to choose between one brother or the other, but that’s what I would be doing. Just like Maxwell would have to choose between his son and his grandson. My mom created a mess of pure devastation, and I can’t see any other way.
“No.” My head whips around at Jagger’s firm voice. “I don’t know where my head will be in a year or five or ten, but I’m not taking him from Dad. Or you.”
“Dad is all he’s known.” Graham wraps his arms around me tighter. “He’s with that kid every minute of the day except for a couple of hours in the morning and the afternoon.”
“B-but isn’t Maxwell kind of old to raise an infant?”
Graham’s deep chuckle soothes some of my nerves as he kisses my cheek. “Maybe a little, but he’s still pretty young and healthy, Sunflower. Don’t forget some people don’t even start having kids until they’re in their thirties and forties. And he’s mostly retired. He has all the time in the world to devote to a child. And this way keeps adoption agencies and social workers out of the way. It’s just us and the lawyers who handle the paperwork.”
“It’s you or Dad, Casey,” Jagger says.
“But if we take him, will we see you?”
He slumps, his head lowering. “It’s time I see him. I can’t promise it will be more than a one-time visit for now, but if he’s with either of you, I’ll have to get used to it.”
I feel Graham tense behind me again, but then he says, “It’s up toyou, baby. Whatever you want, I’ll support.”
As much as I love Noah and I know he loves me, Graham is right. I’ve spent a couple of hours a month with him. Maxwell has been there every day for months. He brought Mom back to his house shortly after Noah was born. It would rip him apart to take the baby away. It would hurt Noah to be taken from Maxwell. And Maxwell has been ripped apart as much as any of us.
“I think he should stay where he’s at. It’s all he’s known.” I finally concede.
Graham kisses the side of my face, silently asking if I’m sure. I nod because I am. And with my mom gone, I can spend more time there. Or maybe… I spin in Graham’s arms. “Since my lease is running out—”
“For fuck’s sake, Casey, if you say something about getting an apartment with six roommates I’ll bend you over right here.” His dark eyes sear into mine.Oh, boy. He’s serious.
My eyes widen, and I gulp as I shake my head. “I was going to ask if we can move in with Maxwell. I-I know it might be weird being together at your Dad’s house so you can say no, but I thought if we did, I could spend more time with Noah, and you wouldn’t have to keep going back there to get clothes every night, and …”
“Casey.” My mouth gets covered by his large hand as he shakes his head, grinning. “Shut up.” He grips my face and kisses me softly. “Wecan live anywhere you want. Tell me the moon, and I’ll make it happen. But as it happens, I would love to live there. I know neither of you have great memories there, but…”
“Krista didn’t take away the good, Graham,” Jagger says. “Mom loved that house.”
“And I met both of you there.”
“Then it seems we need to get home and get you packed.” He tells me, grinning. “But first, you should probably go see yourdad.”
“D-does he know?”
“We told him everything last night.” His eyes jerk up to Jagger. “Well, almost everything.”
“And what about Maxwell? What will we tell him about Mom?”
Graham inhales sharply, his mouth pursing as he thinks. “For now, we’ll keep up that she’s just gone. Now, go see your dad, so we can go back to your apartment and get you packed.”
Graham
Iwalk into her apartment and find her standing in the middle of the empty room. Her cheek is propped on her fist, and her brow is pulled into a deep V. I can’t help but laugh. “You haven’t forgotten anything, baby. And if you have, I own the building. We’ll come back.”
When she said she wanted to move into my house, because it is my house, I had boxes waiting for us when we got back to the city. We spent two days packing everything she and Lily had, and I had movers come get all the furniture. It will stay in storage until we decide what to do with it. There isn’t anything left in the apartment, but a few boxes left to grab.
“But what if…”