Page 38 of Reverie

Ah. Of course.

“Hm,” I say, taking another hit before passing it back to her. It’s been more than a year since I last smoked, and the buzz starts to flow in my blood. I feel the wash of relaxation ride down my face before hitting the roadblock of my overly tense neck muscles.

“We need to come up with a plan,” I say, leaning against the gazebo post marking the entrance. Ella takes one hit and then another before passing the joint back to me.

“Wait, you want me to help you?” Her eyes sparkle, and when she turns to me, she looks like a kid again.

Sheisa kid. Barely an adult.

“Yeah,” I say. “I do. You know how this world works. Where we can go.”

“You want to run?” Ella stops the press of her words by grabbing the blunt from me and drawing hard on the smoke.

After holding the air in her lungs, she exhales as if releasing the thought. She hands it back.

“I have some ideas. Ideas that will keep us safe,” I say.

I think.

Another hit, one I take my time holding in. I exhale through my mouth and nostrils. As the smoke floats up into the sky, I stare as it dissipates.

“Do tell,” Ella says. “Don’t keep me in suspense.” She’s edgy, and I take a moment to really look at her.

“So. The big elephant in the room. Oh, elephants, I guess. Mom is alive and well. Misha the Mafiya Boss is our half brother,” I say, changing the subject.

Ella rocks back to balance her weight in a crunch for a moment before moving straight again.

“Yeah, that’s a mindfuck,” she draws out.

To say the fucking least. I pass her the blunt.

“I…” she begins, but when I look at her, she snaps her mouth shut.

“What’s up, Ellie?” I ask.

She takes a deep breath. “The biggest question I have is ‘how?’ How could she stay away for this long—nearly twenty years—and not try to come to us? I mean, I’m happy she’s alive. I think. But I was a baby, barely two when she died. I can’t imagine how…” She takes a hit and passes it back to me without meeting my gaze.

“The how doesn’t matter, Ella. All that matters is what’s happening right now. Feel what you feel about it,” I say. I sense Winter’s effect on me as I talk aboutemotions.

“And what doyoufeel, H?” Her eyes are big as she stares up at me like I might have all the answers.

I don’t. I wish I did.

“I feel that we’re in a weird place right now. It’s difficult to know what’s real and what’s fake. I feel paranoid, but I’m trying not to be…but then another part of me feels very strongly that my paranoia is protection. For me. For us.”

I scratch the side of my nose, uncomfortable with the rising stress that nullifies the effects of the pot.

“What matters at this exact moment is that our family is safe,” I say.

“And does that include Mom? Or Misha too, I guess.”

I shake my head, my response immediate. “Not at all. At least, not for me.”

Ella nods slowly and stares at her feet. “And if I want it to include them?” she asks.

My throat tightens. “I don’t trust them, Ellie.”

I won’t live if anything happens to anyone else in my family either way. I won’t survive it.