Page 6 of Breaking Free
He glances at me before turning his attention to the road. “Look, don’t get me wrong, I get being in the closet. I was until two years ago, but now that I’m free to be me, I don’t want to hide again. Kind of like how Renzo felt. You remember what he went through before.”
“Right.” I stare out the window, thinking about how I may never have a chance with anyone if I’m still in the closet. “So this guy just wants to hook up in secret?”
“Yeah, which is fine if it’s just a hookup. I can do that one time and not think about it again, but we had several hookups, and I started to like him, which in itself is crazy, so I cut it off.”
“You don’t think he’ll come out?”
“Mm.” He rubs his chin. “His family is from the middle east. All he’s told me is that they’d never allow him to marry or love a man openly. I don’t think he’ll come out, and that makes me sad for him, but it’s also why I won’t tie myself to him either.”
“I get it.” I’m silent for a little while, but then I ask, “Were you afraid to come out?”
He laughs. “Are you kidding? I was terrified! Did you not sense my fear when I told you guys?”
I grin. “No, actually. You seemed so confident.”
“Fake it till you make it, I guess,” he says with another laugh. “I was definitely nervous, but I knew I was attracted to both guys and girls when I was like eleven, and I kept it a secret until I was eighteen. I couldn’t hide it any longer. My parents took it pretty decently, I guess. They were both shocked and questioned me several times on whether I was sure or not. But I was eighteen when I came out, and on my way to college, so what were they gonna do? Ground me?” He laughs. “Once they knew, I had a little more confidence telling my friends.”
I chew on my lip, wanting to ask more questions but knowing it would likely out me, because why would I care so much about how it feels to come out?
“Well, are you looking to settle down anytime soon, anyway? You seem pretty happy just doing your thing.”
“Ah,” he chuckles, his smile bright. “Eventually. I am pretty content not having to worry about committing.”
The conversation eventually shifts to football, as it usually does with us. “So, we’re getting a new guy,” I say.
He laughs. “Don’t let Watts get to you, man. I doubt this guy is gonna take your spot.”
“I’m not worried,” I tell him, though I’m not a hundred percent sure about that. “I mean, I know we have to have four on roster, but me and Deshawn have been the starters, and Travis and Dan are pretty good for backups.”
“Well, Dan’s gone,” Jayden says.
“Right, but what if this new guy is even better than me or Deshawn and he gets put out on the field as a starter?”
Jay laughs. “Sounds like you are a little worried.”
“I’m just not trying to get benched for some new kid who doesn’t even know this team.”
“You’ll be fine,” he says with all the confidence in the world. “So, tell me who you hooked up with. Was she a brunette? You like brunettes, don’t you?”
I spend the rest of our time in the car avoiding telling him about my bathroom hookup. I don’t even know why I don’t tell him. He’s not gonna judge me for liking guys, but every time I open my mouth with the thought to just say,I’m gay, I freeze up and panic and can’t bring myself to spit the words out.
3
“Another fucking year,”Renzo gripes as we meet up on the central campus right outside one of the towering buildings.
“Yep. Just one more to go. Where’s Ronan?”
“He’s on the north campus right now.”
Dex and Violet stroll by so I lift my chin and raise my hand, and Violet waves excitedly, running to give Zo a hug.
“This campus is huge!”
“You know where all your classes are?” Zo asks.
“I’ll figure it out. Even if I’m late to all of them.”
“You hear about the new guy who got on the team without having to attend tryouts?” Dex asks me as Zo and Vi talk.