Page 59 of His Secret
Can you be attracted to guys and girls?
I thought those searches were safe behind the screen of my own phone, but I remember now my father coming to me and slamming my phone down in front of me as I was sitting at the breakfast counter. He gave me a stern look, but it wasn’t out of the norm for him to give us looks like that. He was easily agitated. I figured he was mad that I left my phone somewhere he wanted to sit.
But now—now I’m thinking he must’ve picked it up believing it was his. I probably did leave it on the couch where he sits. He thought it was his, opened it up, and saw my searches.
My searches were questions. It wasn’t gay porn or gay hook-up sites. He knew I was trying to figure it out. I was curious. Maybe he’s gone this whole time hoping it was just a phase. That it never came to fruition.
Fuck.
My phone rings, the sound blaring over the speakers. I click a button and say, “Hello?”
“Hey. I’m leaving my mom’s house now, and I’m bringing leftovers she’s forced upon me. How far out are you?”
“About three hours.”
“Okay, I’ll be there shortly after. Wanna meet in my room?”
“Of course.”
He laughs. “Good. See you soon.”
“See you.”
What I have with Matías doesn’t feel wrong. I’m not mentally ill for loving him. I’m not a deviant or anything else my father likes to say. But I’m still trapped under my father’s thumb. Without him, I have no money. My job and future aren’t secured. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, but right now, after not seeing Matías for a few days, I don’t want to worry about it.
I want him. I want him right now in this moment, and that’s what I’ll focus on. I can’t worry about the fact that I want him in the future as well, and what that’ll mean.
Halfway into eating his leftovers, he asks, “How was your Thanksgiving?”
I swallow down the turkey and the majority of the truth. “It was fine.”
He nods, but I feel his gaze on me. He doesn’t push, which is one of the reasons why I appreciate him. He’s aware of my family dynamic, and he won’t force me to talk about them.
“Still think you can stay here for Christmas?”
“I’m gonna try like hell,” I say, looking at him with a grin. “I’d prefer being here with you.”
He smiles and it warms my heart.
We finish eating and throw everything away before climbing into his bed. Wrapped in each other’s arms, we kiss and cuddle before our exhaustion takes over.
Matías falls asleep first, and I spend thirty minutes running my hand through his hair and kissing his forehead, wondering how it’ll be possible for me to keep him when I have the father that I do.
He’ll never accept me if I tell him I’m gay, and therefore he’ll never accept Matías. I can’t ever bring him home. I can’t talk about him to anyone. He’ll forever be my secret, and I doubt he’ll be okay with that.
I tighten my grip on him like I’m afraid someone’s going to come take him from me now, and I eventually fall asleep. But the thoughts and fears never leave.
Present Day
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
ADRIAN
I shouldn’t have askedfor that hug. It was a selfish move. I wanted to feel him again. I wanted the connection. To see if hugging him was the same as it was all those years ago.
It wasn’t. It was different but not in a worse way. He’s bigger now, muscular where he didn’t used to be. Grip tighter and stronger, but maybe that’s just because it’s been so long since we’ve embraced. Perhaps he needed and longed for the hug as much as I did.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. My mind rewinds the moment over and over again, remembering how I felt when he tugged on my hair, or when I touched his neck with my lips—so desperate to bite into him and then lick and kiss it better. His cock hardening against me almost did me in. I was afraid he’d soon see or feel my own arousal. I remember it all, but mostly, I want it again. I want more.