Page 12 of Lessons In Grey

I searched his eyes, seeing that bit of darkness again, and I wondered if I had snuffed out that light. Less than five minutes with him, and the little flare of light was gone.

I had no delusions about what I did to this world. I was a dark spot. A stain that grew and grew, spreading out like a wildfire, killing every ounce of joy there ever was. Did that make him weak that he had fallen so quickly? Or was I just becomingthat toxic?

I licked my lips, sucking the bottom one in as my eyes shifting to the hall. July 7thwas a fluke. Something that never should have happened, but I was in my right mind now. As right as it could have been, I supposed. Ash was my friend, we had been friends since the 2ndgrade, there was no getting rid of her, she and I were intertwined until our bones were dust, but this man?

It would be a kindness to keep him away from me. Just like it was a kindness to keep everyone else away from me. “The drug closet is in the North Hall. Just past the technical writing room,” I explained, turning back to him. “Your key will open the door. It’s labeled ‘Extras’. Just make sure you pay Diamond, he gets sour when people don’t pay.” I slid inside, releasing the door behind me.

I’d have to find another place to do my work during eighth hour. Perhaps a café down the street. We were at the same school now, that didn’t mean it was inevitable that we would meet again outside of class.

“Show me around.”

It wasn’t a request.

I adjusted my bag as he fell in step beside me. “No.”

“Why?”

“Because you said this was fate,” I responded easily.

“Would you rather it be my stalking you?”

I considered the question. “Yes,” I answered truthfully.

“Why?”

Because if fate were real, wouldn’t that mean that Charlie would have died no matter what happened? And if Charlie would have died no matter what I had said or done, then the last year of my life, the prison I had put myself in, it would have been for nothing, which meant that I was punishing myself for nothing.

Fate couldn’t be real. It wasn’t. I refused to believe it was anything more than a story.

“I’ll give you a tour,” I decided, working my hands at my sides. “I’ll show you the spots you can fuck the girls in, or guys,” I eyed him. “I’ll show you the drugs, the alcohol. Everything you need to be an exceptional Professor here, and then you can leave me be.”

He was quiet a moment. “Why?”

I found his eyes for half a second. “You like that question, don’t you? ‘Why’. Must be your favorite word.” I turned back to the hall, reaching for another gummy worm.

“How do you learn if you don’t ask questions?”

“You don’t need to learn anything,” I replied, sliding the worm over my tongue. “I’m just a girl, you’re just a boy. Or however the lyric goes. Ships passing in the night, unlucky enough to meet at a gas station two months before you mysteriously show up at my school. It’s just another night filled with fog, Rags. I’m not a lighthouse. I’m not a star. I’m not a guiding metaphor of circumstances and unasked questions. I’m not a mystery. I’ll show you around, and that’s the end of it.”

He straightened his jacket and shrugged. “Perhaps.”

No. No perhaps.

We slipped into silence save for the occasional ‘this is that room’ monologue.

I couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t gotten a tour when he had first been hired on. He didn’t seem to know anything about the school.

“What are you studying here?”

“Don’t do that,” I stated, looking into every classroom we passed. “This is the technical writing hall,” I said, gesturing around us. “A lot of people hate these classes, but they’re required to—”

“Don’t do what?” he asked, interrupting my drone.

I rolled my eyes, dropping my hands to my sides, my sleeves falling over them ever so slightly. “Try to make a connection. You have hundreds of other girls, and a lot of men if that’s how you swing, to fuck between classes. I’m not one of them.”

“Snowflake, if I were to fuck you, I would need at least twoblocks to do what I want to do to you.”

I felt breathless, heat pooling between my thighs at just his words, at the rasp in his voice. I had to turn my head towards the classes on my side of the hall just so he wouldn’t see what I was sure my face was portraying. Fuck. “I’m sure you would,” I said, shocked at how steady my voice was.