Page 15 of Lessons In Grey

Down.

The pillow started to curve around me. Plugging my nose, my lips pressed tightly together, unable to part against the pillow.

Tears seeped from behind my closed eyelids as the feeling of suffocation started to rip through me.

Jordan leaned down until his lips were inches from my ear. “I’m going to kill you if it’s the last thing I do, Emily.”

The fear dripped down my spine, my mind panicking, my heart racing. He was going to kill me. I was going to die tonight. Fuck, I wasn’t ready to die.

A moment later, he shoved off me and left the room.

I fought the urge to gasp for air, rather, I inhaled short breaths until I heard the door shut behind him.

I sat up, gasping, clutching my chest, trying to contain the panic to my bones. I couldn’t let it out. I couldn’t allow it to consume me.

One good slap. There would be no swelling, maybe a little bit of bruising, but nothing severe.

I glanced towards my phone. 4:06am. Good, I still had time to shower before classes started.

~~~

Rags had kept his name hidden from everyone, despite the persistence of the student body. It was the talk of the campus.

‘Who was the Professor?’

‘Where did he come from?’

‘What does his ring mean?’

‘Will he fuck me?’

The questions bored me, but what intrigued me was the wayhe taught. The way he commanded the classroom, the way he spoke. Everything. He was concise, well thought out. He owned the stage, so to speak, and it was mesmerizing watching him go through the lessons.

I was looking forward to class now, but today? Today was a bad day because this morning in the shower, I had done something I thought I would never do.

My arm burned.

I was exhausted and the shame I felt building within me was overwhelming. I hadn’t slept more than a few hours since Friday, and everything was starting to pile up.

I just…I needed to feel something real. Something that wasn’t just in my head, it had to bereal, and cutting myself made sense.

It helped.

It fucking helped.

And I think I hated that more than anything else in the world.

“Emily!”

I blinked, the tears in my eyes permanent this morning. I probably looked high to everyone else. Glassy-eyed with poorly covered circles under my eyes, but this was college, nobody looked that close.

Especially not the people who surrounded me.

I took out one headphone with my trembling hand. Could they see what I had hidden under my sleeves this morning? Was it wrapped good enough? Was it disinfected properly? “Hmm?”

Remi looked more than annoyed. “We’re talking about ideas for our Halloween costumes next month. Where are you, little Alice? Off to Wonderland? Run, rabbit, run,” she teased.

I gave her a dry look and slid my headphone back in. I flexed my left hand, the sharp pain of the fresh cuts shooting up my spine. Fuck. I was ashamed, wrought with guilt, but in the same way a mother might be ashamed for spanking her child. It was a horrible thing to do, but sometimes, it just needed to be done in order for the child to learn.