Page 163 of Lessons In Grey

I glared at my phone, locked it, and slammed it face down on the counter. I didn’t want to be this way. This was why I didn’t fucking deal with this shit. It was messy and complicated, and it made you feel things that didn’t make sense.

“He’s in Ireland right now.”

“God, shut-up, Matthew!” I snapped and shoved away from the table.

Matthew didn’t deserve that, he was genuinely a good person, and we had become good friends, butfuck, come on! Couldn’t he read the room?

My eyes burned as I carried my plate to the kitchen. Why the fuck did Matthew have that update? Why couldn’t I have that update?

“Mrow.”

I looked over, Sirius walking into the kitchen after me. She hadn’t left my side since Louis had sent his men after me. Which I appreciated, but fuck, I couldn’t have even one moment?

I set my plate in the sink and turned on the water, gripping the edge of it as I watched the water attempt to rinse the eggs off my plate.

“You’re allowed to be angry. It’s not easy.”

I dipped my head, closing my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. I understood that. Rationally, I understood that. I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to have Grey feeling guilty or worried about me feeling like this. I wanted him to focus so he could come back, that’s what I wanted.

This was all just bullshit. All of it.

The elevator dinged and I looked over just as Jeremy appeared. He shoved open the gate, briefcase in hand, his jacket slung over his shoulder. “Evening everyone,” he greeted.

I straightened, turning back to the sink. I rinsed my stuff into the disposal and ran it for a few seconds before shutting it and the water off.

“How was your day?”

“Ask Matthew,” I bit, grabbing a bottle and shoving past him. “I need to use the bathroom and then I’m going to bed.”

“What? I just got home. Ash and Syn are coming over, we’re going to watch a movie.”

“Have fun,” I replied bitterly. I shut the bathroom door behind me and leaned back against it, my heart racing, anger building. “Fuck,” I muttered as the tears filled my eyes. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be stronger than this. I was supposed to be able to handle this. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t?

I released a shuddering breath and walked over to the sink, ripping open the cabinet.

“Emily?” Jeremy asked through the door.

I stared at all of my medications, my hands shaking, the grip around the bottle tightening. I was supposed to be better than this. I could be better than this.

The muffled sound of my ringtone slid under the door just as my eyes fell to Grey’s razor. Just an everyday razor, sharp and forgotten.

“Em,” Jeremy said again, my ringtone closer. “Em, it’s Grey.”

Tears streamed down my face as I stared at that razor. The need was so fucking overwhelming. It had never been compared to heroin anywhere. Never compared to any kind of drug, I looked, but fuck, it should have been.

Right now, all I could focus on was the relief it would bring me. Just once. One time couldn’t hurt. I just needed to get back on track, refocus my mind. One time, just a little sharp pain and everything would be okay again.

“Emily.”

I lifted my hand, watching those trembling fingers reach forthe razor.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be like this. I didn’t want to feel like this. It was wrong. All of this was so fucking wrong. We discussed it. We talked about it. Why couldn’t I fucking stop? What right did I have to be this angry?

“Em?”

I wrapped my hand around my anti-depressants instead, setting the bottle in the sink as I struggled to get the cap open. “Come on,” I muttered.

“Emily, Grey is calling, I know you can hear me.”