Page 24 of Lessons In Grey

We sat in silence for several minutes as I tried to calm my painful heart. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and melodic, warming something deep in my ultimately shattered soul. “It’s hard to remember that warmth still exists in the dead of winter, and it’s hard to remember that your lungs still work even when you’re drowning.”

My shoulders fell an inch, the tears crawling their way back up my throat as I made it a point to keep looking at the campus, using my hair as a shield. This is what I had wanted to avoid yesterday. Him seeing me in the middle of me shattering. It fucking sucked. Being like this in front of anybody was terrifying, but for some reason, that fear wrapped around me like vines covered in thorns whenever he was near.

“I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, but I do know something about the whispers that come with the trauma. The thing about whispers is that they like to lie, that’s all they do, and sometimes it’s hard to remember that they are lies when they’re so constant and unrelenting. It’s difficult to distinguish between your voice and its voice because, after a while, they start to sound the same, and as hard as it’s going to be, as tired as you are, you need to remember something no one ever seems to speak out loud.”

I cleared my throat, swallowing past the thickness as I wiped my sleeves under my eyes again, trying to will the tears to stop.

“It is okay to not be okay,” he said quietly, “and it is okay if that means that you have to sit in silence until you are. You should never have to explain to anyone why you need to do what you need to do to heal. Fall as many times as you need, so long as you eventually get back up. You are strong, but so are dams until it rains just a bit too much.”

I inhaled sharply, pressing my lips together to keep in the sobs. Fuck, why couldn’t he just leave me be?

“I can help you, Emily.”

I wiped my sleeves across my cheeks again, frustrated that they wouldn’t stop. “Is that what you have faith in, then?” I asked, finding his eyes. “Your ability to fix broken things?” His eyes were brighter today. They had little speckles of gold hidden within the green, there was a ring of gray around his iris, there were shoots of gold around his pupils. Little things. Things I wish I couldn’t see. Things I never wanted to notice.

A slight smile tilted one corner of his lips up. “No, I have faith in my brothers, my father.” He reached into his pocket and pulled something out, holding it out to me. “Let me help you.”

My eyes flicked down, taking in the white handkerchief he had extended to me.

I released a snort. “Who even carries something like that anymore?”

“A gentleman,” he replied, eyes filling with light.

I swallowed, watching him carefully. Honestly, it was exactly what I wanted. My sleeves were damp from the tears and snot, having the handkerchief would be relieving.

With a roll of my eyes, I reached for it my fingers brushing by his, causing my heart to pick up as I pulled it away. It was still warm from his pocket, causing my hands to ache as I wiped my cheeks and nose.

It smelled just like him.

Fuck, I could have just inhaled it deeply. It was intoxicating, that scent. As if I were getting high by it alone.

But I only lowered it to my lap, working it between my fingers, trying to absorb the warmth before it disappeared completely. Why was I still fighting? Was it because I deserved all of this? What would happen if I just…just stopped? If I stopped eating and drinking and moving and breathing.

What would happen?

Would I just waste away into nothing? Would I become a ghost that haunts this world? Would Ash miss me? Would anyone notice that I was gone?

Would I see Charlie again?

I worked my jaw, staring at that little cloth, working it around in a slow circle until I caught a couple of letters stitched in red on one corner.

G. N.

I chewed on my lip, tracing over the thick lettering with my thumb. G. N. I wondered what his name was. I hadn’t thought about it more than a few times, I liked the little game we had had before he knew my name.

Strangers in the night.

But he had known my name for a while, wasn’t it fair for me to know his?

No. Not if I was planning on leaving this tired little world.

“Tell me something brilliant,” he said, pulling my eyes up.

I searched his for less than a second before mine dropped to his tie. His tie was a little looser. Just a little. Just enough to give his collar some breathing room. I tightened my grip around his handkerchief and swallowed again. “The idea that people are bad because of a law they broke is wrong,” I finally said, my voice hoarse. “You can still be bad even if you’ve followed every law, every rule, every request that’s ever been given to you. You can be bad even if you’re a saint. Sometimes, there is just…nothing good about you and you have to deal with that for as long as you’re willing to.”

He was quiet for a long time before he straightened. “A wise man once said that there is light and dark living inside of us all, what matters is the part we choose to act on, that’s who we really are.”

Sirius Black.