Page 46 of Lessons In Grey

I had always admired her style. So different, so out there. Rocker meets gothic meets bubble gum pop eccentric anti-hero. Everything about it was so entirely hers. It made my chest tighten every time I saw her.

I stepped into her room, enveloped with the scent of her. A sweet yet husky kind of perfume that matched her in every way it could.

I shut the door behind me, eyes searching for her until they landed on a black painted door across the room, the lights still on.

I hurried over and opened the door, my heart skittering at the sight before me.

She was lying in a pool of her own blood. Not enough to kill herself, but enough to do some damage.

I ripped a towel off the towel bar and hit my knees at her back. I slid my fingers over her neck, checking her pulse. Still strong,her breathing even. I released a breath of relief and ran a hand through my hair, my heart thudding painfully as the rage slowed, the panic easing.

I took a few deep breaths, getting myself reoriented.

“Okay, baby,” I mumbled, carefully pulling her up to a sit.

Her head fell back against my chest, her hair soaked in blood, her entire left side soaked in it.

I carefully wiped what I could from her skin before I picked her up and carried her to her bed. She would need to change her bedspread in the morning, but that was the least of my concerns.

I searched through her drawers, and it took me little time to find her medical supplies, which was in her nightstand right beside her bed.

She had cut herself a lot tonight, but as I cleaned the wounds, as I inspected her other arm, I found that she hadn’t been doing this long. Maybe a few weeks, and they weren’t deep enough to kill her, they had just bled a lot. Tomorrow, she would be sore, groggy, but she would be alive.

She was so tired that she didn’t even stir as I disinfected and wrapped her up.

I cleaned the bathroom, the amount of blood looking far more than it actually was.

She didn’t believe she deserved anything, so I had to show her that that was far from the truth. No more playing it slow, playing it light. I needed to push her into the deep-end and show her that while drowning was terrifying, drowning with me would be anything but.

I opened her eye, checking her pupils before searching through her things until I found her drawer of medications.

Anit-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, sleeping pills. Each one in all different varieties, strengths, and dosages. Jesus Christ, the fucking therapist needed to be fucking fired.

I remained for another hour, just in case. I still had no idea what she had taken, but when 4am rolled around, I realized thatshe would be fine. Her pulse was still strong, her breathing even. She was okay. She would survive this, and I would tap her nerves into the livewire of my own system and remind her how it felt to live.

I took a piece of paper from her desk and quickly folded it into a little paper rose. I wiped it through the blood on my sweatshirt and carefully placed it on the pillow beside her head. “I’m going to teach you how to be free, Emily.” I kissed her head and headed for her bedroom door. I needed to let off a little more steam before the night’s end.

“It ripped me apart.”

I stopped just on the cusp of opening that door, her broken and cracked voice tearing at something in me, something deep and unrelenting.

I turned back towards her, seeing her lying on her back, tucked in, her bandages already red, her eyes barely open.

My brows pulled together as I turned back to her, my heart hammering between rage and pain as I took her in, so broken, so small. “What did?” The Raggedy Man had gotten her through her teen years, it was time for the adult version to get her through this.

Her beautiful pink tongue darted over her chapped and pale lips, her cheeks red from crying, her hair still crusted in blood. I should have given her a shower. I wanted to. I wanted to take care of her in every way she deserved to be taken care of. “Seeing you with her. I didn’t think I had anything left to rip apart, but you did it. You ripped apart the very last shred of me.”

My heart thudded painfully, the cracks in my own bones getting wider as I walked over, hitting my knees at her bedside like a sinner begging for forgiveness. I never wanted to hurt her in that way.

The truth was, I had tried to push them all away since that very first day, all except for Remi who I had used to find the sources I needed to find in order to complete my job. But eventhinking about fucking her made me want to vomit.

The only person I had been interested in fucking since July 7thwas Emily. Only Emily.

But, if I were being honest, part of me did revel in seeing the look in Emily’s eyes, the jealousy. She acted so much like she didn’t care, like her body was lying when it reacted to me, I wanted to prove that she was lying, that there was something more between us.

Knowing that, despite what I had said, those moments had affected her so much, it destroyed a piece of me. “I never meant to rip you apart, Snowflake,” I mumbled, sliding my hand into hers. “Ever.”

A tear dripped into her hairline, her bottom lip trembling. “They are whole, and I am wisps of crumbling spider-webs in the wind. Useless and annoying. An irritant, something to curse at when you’re trying to get to your car.”