Page 78 of Lessons In Grey
My eyes widened, tears burning down my cheeks. I hated that I was crying, I hated it so fucking much, I wish I could have torn out my own goddamn eyes. “Do you haveanyidea what it’s like to wake up every single day begging God to kill you? Do you have any idea what it’s like to walk through life feeling like nothing you do willeverbe good enough? I was like this long before Charlie and mom died, did you know that? No, you didn’t, because she was the prized horse and I was just some fucking mule that popped out like a goddamn two for one deal.
“I paled in comparison to her, to everyone. You only had enough time to spare for one daughter, and you consistently chose her. No matter what I did or said or fucking accomplished, it would never be good enough. I got the grades, I never snuck out, I always did everything you asked, always, but I would never be Charlie. I couldn’t even hate her for it because she was my best friend, and I was so proud of her. I supported her and loved her and looked up to her because she was just so…beautifulinside and out.”
I released a breath, straightening, my entire being trembling. “You probably won’t believe this, I’m sure nobody will, but I tried to do it before. Three weeks before she died, she found me in the bathroom, dumping a bottle of pills down my throat, and she told me not to do it. She said ‘don’t do it because I said so’, and I fucking stayed because of her.”
My panic started to rise, my breathing getting quick and shallow as the tears burned trenches into my skin. I had forgotten about that. I had pushed it so far down, I had forgotten. I had forgotten everything but the reason I stayed. The reason I took the punishment. “We got into a fight that night, don’t you remember? All of us. We were screaming, and I shouted that I hated all of you in the middle of it, and that I just wanted everything to stop. I needed the screamingand crying and shouting to stop.
“That night, you and mom talked about it,” I said, shaking my head, watching the pain fill his eyes. “She decided to take Charlie, talk with her, and she told you to talk to me. Separate us, talk it out, remind us that everything would be okay. We were all fucking adults, it should have been easy, but you and mom, you always treated us like kids, even at 23 years old.
“Mom took Charlie out, but you? You didn’t talk to me. As soon as the door shut, you went back to work, leaving me alone to simmer in the fact that I just told my best friend that I hated her. I was left alone, crying, and angry, trying to talk myself out of doing something stupidagainand where were you when that officer came to our door, huh? Fucking Helen.
“They got hit by a drunk driver, and you were fucking the woman who nowlives in our house.” I fell back a step, shaking my head. “It’s my fault. They left that night because of the fight I started.” A sob cracked up my chest, my head spinning. “It’s my fault and this…this…thishousewas my prison, and I deserved it all. I deserved all of it.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Emily,” he tried, pushing up from his seat.
“Do not try and comfort me now or I swear to God, I will never talk to you again. You lost that privilege. Your daughter was dying right in front of your eyes, and you wouldn’t look up from your phone long enough to see it. You haven’t seen half the shit that went on in this house in the last three years. Did you know that Helen and Jordan stripped our house of every memory of Charlie and mom that was in there since they moved in?
“They died and you erased us from your life. We don’t exist to you anymore. I tried to kill myself afteryearsof drowning, after years of begging for you to see me, and the only person who was there for me was a man that showed up two and a half months ago.
“Ash was there too, but I can’t blame her for not being present. I can’t. She is so happy now, I never would have asked her to dealwith my shit anyway, but you? You were mydad. You should have noticed when I stopped talking, stopped eating, stopping taking showers. You should have noticed, and you chose not to. You picked the jobless alcoholic over your own fucking daughter.”
I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself, trying to regain control. “I’m leaving, and I’ll take that burden with me, just like you wanted. I don’t want you calling me. I need time to heal, and I need time to figure out what is going on in my own head before I can even begin to understand what the fuck is happening in yours.”
I turned on my heel and headed for Grey’s car. They looked like they were nearing the end, just a few more boxes, thank goodness.
“I did,” he called after me.
I stopped halfway to the car and turned back. “You did what, dad?” I asked on an exhausted breath.
“I loved her more than you.”
And it was like a punch to the gut. I released a breath, that anger draining for the familiar emptiness I loved so much.
“Ash, don’t—” Syn tried.
“You know what,Harold,” Ash began, storming past me. “Fuck you and fuck yourperfectlittle family. You never deserved her. You never deserved any of them. You’re a piece of shit, and I hope one day you realize that you’ve lost everything good in your life, and I hope it fucking kills you.”
I swayed on my feet, falling back a step only to hit Grey’s chest, his hands sliding around my arms to steady me.
My dad worked his jaw. “I loved Charlie more,” he continued, “because I couldn’t figure out how to love you.”
My eyes lifted.
He shrugged, his own eyes red. “I didn’t. You two were identical in every way but one; your personality. I understood her. I got along with her, the things that made her happy wereeasy for me to figure out, but I could never understand you. I could never figure out how to make you happy. So yeah, I loved her more, but only because I couldn’t figure out how to love you. You were too difficult to love like that.”
Grey was supporting most of my weight now as a breathlessness filled me.
“Come on,” he spoke into my ear, “let’s go.”
“She is not hard to love,” Ash said carefully. “You just didn’t try. Do not try and contact her. Don’t try and find her. If she wants to speak with you, she will.”
“Drive carefully,” I heard Grey say as he opened the passenger door of his car.
I slid in, box in hand. He must have put the duffle and guitar in the back, but I was too tired to check.
He shut the door, sliding into his own seat a few seconds later.
I stared out the window, watching the buildings fly by, feeling nothing but numbness throughout my entire being.