Page 18 of The Step Don't

That I’ve done it more than once?

That I want to do it more?

That I don’t know why?

After we finish up with Troy, we head to Colin’s car, and as we get inside, he says, “Are we gonna talk about what just happened?”

“Can we please wait until we get back to the house?”

He grimaces. I’m sure he’s trying to make sense of why I’m acting like this.

“Please,” I beg.

“Yeah, totally.”

I feel like shit all the way back to the house; in all the time we’ve known each other, the only time Colin’s been this quiet with me in a car has been when he’s passed out.

I’m hoping I’ll have something to say by the time we get back, but I’m just spinning in my thoughts about the naughty things I’ve done on that app and the guilt of the big Step Don’t I’ve committed.

I reflect on those twinges of guilt when I was recording.

He wouldn’t want to know this, I told myself, but clearly, he fucking does.

But this is so private…

Yet when the hell have Colin and I ever done private?

I’m on edge as Colin leads me to his room, closing the door, his expression serious as ever.

“Okay, so I waited.”

“I…”

I still don’t know what the fuck to say!

“If this is that serious, you know I would never make you talk about anything you didn’t want to,” he says. “I won’t even google it if you tell me not to. But you can understand why I’m confused, right? I find a hookup app on your phone, and you’ve shown me guys on Grindr, so I don’t understand why this is something you feel you have to keep from me.”

Which puts me in a weird-ass position. “Maybe this is just what a good boundary for us is,” I say quickly, and his expression twists up.

“Boundary?”

He sounds sincerely thrown at the notion of a boundary between us, and I can’t blame him.

“Yeah, like healthy relationship boundaries. You know, so we’re not like some messed-up, codependent stepbrothers.”

“But we’re kind of codependent, right? That’s what I love about us.”

That’s what I love about us too.

Fuck, he’smaking this hard.

“I just mean, I really don’t want to answer this question, Colin. And I don’t think you would like me to answer it either.”

Judging by his expression, you’d have thought I stomped across the room and decked him.

And it’s the hurt that stings the most.

Even worse, I know he has a right to be hurt.