Page 22 of The Step Don't
“I don’t really… I don’t know. Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t tell you because I can’t figure out why I’m doing it myself? If I can’t explain it in my own head, how can I explain it to you?”
“There are a lot of things that go on in my head that I can’t explain.”
“That’s not true. You’re smart as hell. Almost as smart as me, but only almost.”
The annoying Ash-induced smile returns.
“I’m better at law stuff.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. You’re all right with a football too.” We’re joking, being playful, but then he looks away, eyes on his comforter as he draws pictures with the tip of his finger on it.
“What’s wrong?” I hook my finger beneath his chin andtilt his head up.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Col. And I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone more than you. It just…it feels good, and I don’t know why it feels so good. Especially when I don’t think it should.”
Well, now I feel like an ass for being so hard on him. Funny how I can be hurt and annoyed but also feel guilty. “Maybe I would get it if I like…watched you do it?”
Ash’s eyes go wide, his cute little mouth dropping open. “Excuse me, what?”
“I can be off camera. I’ll see what happens, how you react and all that, and maybe that will help us both understand.” I beam, feeling like the smartest person in the world. It’s the perfect solution, and maybe I’ll see something that clues Ash in on what the public jerkoffs do for him, which will help him but also help us understand why he didn’t tell me. “I’m a genius!” I throw my arms in the air.
“Except for the small detail that you’re asking to see me jerk off! Jesus, Col. That’s a terrible idea.”
I frown. “Why? It’s not like it means anything. I’ve been naked in bed with you. Hell, I’ve seen you jack off before.”
“That’s not the same.” He sounds exhausted by me. “And an accident.”
“Well, me walking in was an accident, but the factthat I didn’t walk out and then watched porn with you while tugging on my boner was absolutely not an accident.” It hadn’t been planned, sure, and it’s not something we ever did again, but this wouldn’t be any different.
“We were horny teens, and half the time we were making jokes about what we were watching. That was totally different. Why would you want to see me jerk off anyway? You’re straight.”
Which is true, but this isn’t about sex. This is about trying to understand something Ash doesn’t get. I know him. He likes answers. He’s always had answers, so for him, not getting where this is coming from is probably stressing him out. “It’s like an experiment…a sexperiment.”
“I thought this wasn’t about sex?”
“It’s not, but the play on words was fun.”
Ash laughs like I hoped he would, before sobering. “I really am sorry I didn’t tell you. I wish I understood it better so I could have talked to you about it sooner.”
“I know.” I wrap my arm around him and pull him close. We lie down on the bed together again, my fingers running through his hair. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you. I don’t know why I did that. I just… This feels like a big Step Don’t, and I’m not sure why.”
Ash sets his hand on my abs, tracing each indent between muscles with his finger. “I feel the same. Maybeif I figured out why, I could either jump in full steam ahead or pull back.”
“Maybe.” I don’t offer to watch him again. The last thing I want is to come off as creepy. He knows the offer stands.
“No more secrets,” Ash says.
“Deal.”
We’re quiet for a moment. He’s drawing stars on my stomach, maybe because of our conversation earlier. I let him be, knowing Ash needs that sometimes. Plus, I like sitting in the quiet with him, feeling the soft strands of his brown hair fall through my fingers.
“Can I think about it?” Ash asks a few minutes later.
“The offer to watch? Of course. No obligation either way, but maybe it will help us get to the bottom of it.”
Ash laughs, but I’m not sure why.
We lie there together, close. This isn’t out of the ordinary for us, but we’re soaking it in a bit longer, a little differently because of our argument. It’s a territory Ash and I aren’t familiar with navigating.