Page 96 of The Step Don't
“But that doesn’t mean anything. Not really. Shit happens. My parents were best friends growing up. They were each other’s first everything, and they didn’t work. And what happens if that’s me and Ash? I don’t know how to lose him. It would feel like losing a part of myself—fuck, like my heart or lungs or something I can’t be without.”
“So you’re just going to pull away from him? Makes perfect sense. Solid plan,” Atlas says.
I turn to Troy. “I’m going to kill your boyfriend.”
“Do you want me to hold him down?”
I chuckle, though I don’t feel it in my gut. “I know it’s confusing, but we told my mom. I didn’t expect anything but support, but she brought up all this shit, and now I can’t stop thinking about all the things that can go wrong.”
“You should try thinking about all the things that can go right.” Atlas shrugs. “Seems more like the type of person you are.”
Something about hearing him say that—maybe because it’s Atlas and it’s so unlike him, maybe because it shows that even he sees me, this guy who doesn’t like to show he cares about anyone but Troy—but all I know is that it rings some kind of bell inside me.
He’s right.
This isn’t like me.
This isn’t who I am.
Troy says, “I’ve known you for a long time, and you’ve never been the type to throw in the towel. I can’t imagine why you would do it now, when all that’s going to do is make you lose the person you love the most.”
“I’m not throwing in the towel. I would never do that with Ash. I’d do anything for him. Anything to make it work with him. He’s it for me. Forever. I…oh…”
“Ding, ding, ding!I think he’s got it!” Atlas does a mock cheer, but I ignore him.
What the hell am I doing? Why would I keep this stuff to myself? Being scared is one thing—it’s normal to be frightened when something really matters—but not sharing it with Ash is inexcusable. It goes against the essence of who we are. All it’s going to do is put a wedge between us. The very thing I’m afraid of is the thing that I’m making happen…
“I gotta go.” I grab my backpack and start shoving shit inside. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. I’mhurtingAsh because I’m scared, when all I have to do is tell him how I feel, and we can get through it together.
Communication is fucking awesome.
“Should I text the guys to leave the house tonight?” Troy teases, but I don’t take the time to answer. I need to get home to my Ash.
I maybe drive a little too fast back to the frat house, hoping Ash is there. I can’t believe I left this morning without making sure he knew everything is okay between us. Yes, I texted him later, but that’s not the same.
Some of my tension eases when I pull up in front of the white, two-story house and see Ash’s car out front.
I jump out of the car, and the second I’m inside, he’s there, sitting on the bottom of the stairs like he was waiting for me. Ash shoves to his feet, his sweep of bangs slightly messier than usual.
“I love you!” we say at the same time, then laugh.
“Okay, we’re kinda awesome,” I add.
“More than kinda.” Ash sits back down on the second step, and I join him.
“I’m sorry, Ash. I know I’ve been distant the past few days. It’s not because of you. I’ve been scared…and I don’t know why I didn’t tell you that. It’s what we do. What I do. I got upset at you for committing a Step Don’t, and now I did the same.”
“You’re not perfect, Col.”
“I want to be perfect for you,” I admit. It’s true. I want to be everything Ash needs.
“And you are. You’re everything I want. Everything I need, but you’ll make mistakes, and I will as well. I’ve been distant with you too. Neither of us talked to the other. We both stewed in our emotions and didn’t do the one thing we do best…well, that and sex.”
“We’re fucking great at that too.” We laugh together.
“Seriously, though. These things are going to happen, Col. That’s what being in a relationship is, but we can’t lose sight of who we are and what makes usus. That’s how we’ll stick together, how we’ll make it work—by being open and honest with each other.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.