Page 70 of Easton
“But you’re here,” Archer says, hands on my shoulders, massaging them. “You’re here and trying. That’s what matters.”
“I second that.” Dusty reaches out and wraps his arm around Morgan, and when my gaze finds Rhett, I recognize the deep loneliness in his eyes because I’ve worn it myself my whole life. But Archer is helping to soothe mine, just like Dusty does with Morgan, and I can’t help wondering if Rhett has ever had anyone to help with his.
*
I used mysmoker to make ribs, and then baked potatoes and grilled vegetables for dinner. My table isn’t big enough to accommodate all of us, so we use the card table too, pushing the two together. It’s a cool fall evening in the UP, probably aroundfifty, and I open one of the windows to alleviate the suffocating feeling I have with so many people in my house. I don’t want to be this way. It never bothered me before, but I keep noticing little things about myself that aren’t exactly wrong, but…I do want to maybe work on them getting better. I’d love to be able to have my brothers in my house without sneaking away a couple of times because I feel like I can’t breathe.
“This is really good, East,” Dusty tells me, breaking the silence.
“I told you he can cook,” Morgan adds, making a weight settle in my chest for having had dinners with him and not Rhett, but then Rhett hasn’t always made it easy. He’s never tried with me either, but he did walk away from Gregory for me. That’s something I can’t forget.
The conversation is stilted but peppered with moments where the past slips away and we forget the walls between us, before they’re suddenly up again. Archer and Dusty carry a lot of the heavy lifting, asking questions and bringing the rest of us into the fold.
When dinner is done, Archer says, “I’m gonna let the dogs out real quick.”
“I’ll go with you,” Morgan tells him, and Dusty follows.
Rhett and I stand there and look at each other for a moment, unsure what to do. We sure as hell don’t know what to say.
“What’s this?” Rhett walks over to the counter and picks up the finished 3D puzzle.
“It’s something Archer does. He brought one over, and we put it together.”
“I didn’t know you liked puzzles.”
“I didn’t either, but it was cool. We’re doing another. Want me to show you?” I fear he’ll say no, that he’s not interested, because why would he care about me? Logically I know that’s not necessarily the case, but my brain plays tricks on me sometimes.
“Yeah, sure. I’d like that.”
The other one is a ship. We’re not nearly close to being done, but I show Rhett the progress and what it’s going to look like finished.
“Do you like building things?” he asks.
“Real stuff? Nah, not really. I mean, I can. And, well, I like putting cars together, but I don’t do much of anything else. Why?”
He shrugs. “Just curious.”
Quiet weighs heavily on us again. I wish Ella would give me some ideas of what to say to him, but she hasn’t spoken to me since before they showed. “I’m sorry I suck at this.”
“I suck at it too. I spent my whole life pretending I have all the answers, and now I don’t have any of them and don’t have the energy to pretend otherwise.”
That’s how I used to see Rhett, as this know-it-all who thought he was better than the rest of us, but I think Gregory wanted us to see him that way, and wanted Rhett to feel that way, trying to mold him into the version of Rhett he wanted to flaunt. One he thought he could make to be just like him. “You’re better than him. Don’t think you know that, but you are.”
He closes his eyes, jaw tense, like he’s scared if he opens his mouth, truths will come spilling out. I understand the feeling of wanting to keep those locked away, where we’re safe and nothing can hurt us. It’s so fucking exhausting.
A noise comes from the doorway, and I look over to see Morgan lingering there, unsure.
None of us speak right away, and it surprises me that I’m the one who talks first. “I was showing Rhett the puzzles Archer and I have been doing. I mean, it’s kinda dumb, but—”
“It’s not dumb,” they say at the same time, their gazes snapping together, shock clear on both of their faces. And then they smile, and shake their heads, the two of them looking somuch alike with their dark hair and eyes…and the same smile, which I’ve never noticed before. My two brothers.
El?
I’m here, East. No matter what, I’m always here. And I’m proud of you, happy for you. I love you.
I smile, so thankful she replied. For the first time since I was nine, I feel like all four of us are together.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX