Page 79 of Easton
Even though I hate what I said, a weight drops off my chest. I’ve been carrying that for so long, afraid of what would happen if they knew.
Rhett curses. “East…it’s not your fault. You were a kid. It was an accident.”
“You think it’s your fault?” Morgan asks. “It’s not. You were nine. I was the adult. I should have been watching you. I was sitting in my room, angry at the world, not coming down to look for you two while she was dying.”
My gaze snaps to him. I wipe my eyes so I can see him. Dusty’s arm is around him. Archer is holding me. Rhett is watching both of us, and then he says, “I should have been there.”
It hits me then, how the three of us have all been blaming ourselves for that day, holding that self-hatred in. They’ve been blaming themselves, and I have never once blamed Rhett or Morgan because it wasn’t their fault, but maybe if it’s not their fault, it wasn’t mine either.
Just then, a gust of wind whooshes through the trees, picking up the paper butterflies, making them fly around us. They flutter, soar in this way that feels impossible, but it’s real. It’s real and beautiful, Ella’s butterflies twisting and fluttering. No one speaks, we just watch, and for the first time in my life, there’s a calmness inside me.
When the wind settles and they fall to the ground again, Archer says, “I think she wants you all to know it’s not your fault.”
The thing is, I think he’s right. Ella loves us. She wants more for us. She’s been trying to help get me to a place where I can heal, and it’s time I do it. “I need help,” I admit. Those three words hold so much power that I feel a little stronger having said them.
“Maybe we all do,” Morgan replies, his voice broken.
When I look at him, Morgan’s face is streaked with tears. Rhett’s eyes are glistening, but he can’t let go enough to set them free. He’s trapped the way all of us have been, but one by one, we’re finding our way out.
Archer nuzzles into me, fortifying with his embrace the strength I’m finding in myself. “I’ll be right there with you the whole time. I’m not going anywhere. I love you so fucking much, sweetheart.”
There’s not a doubt in my mind, at least not in this moment. Archer isn’t going anywhere, and my brothers aren’t either. “I love you too.” And now I need to work on loving myself as well.
Rhett clears his throat. “We’ll give you two some space. I…” His words trail off before he adds, “I love you, East…and, Morgan…you too,” before he turns and walks away, alone…the way Rhett always is.
Morgan looks momentarily stunned before saying, “I love you both too,” but I doubt Rhett hears him, and then he and Dusty follow behind Rhett.
“You scared me, East. I know you’re used to doing everything alone, but you don’t have to do that anymore. It’s okay if you need to, but I’m always here for you. Tell me you know that.”
“I do. I just…I had to try and talk to her. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. I don’t want to lose her.”
“You won’t. You’ll never lose her. She’s a part of you and always will be.”
“I’m here, East. No matter what, I’m always here. And I’m proud of you, happy for you. I love you.”Those words were the last she said to me that day Morgan, Rhett, and Dusty came over. She was telling me goodbye, letting me know that even if she doesn’t respond, she’s always there. She just wants me to live, and for the first time in my life, I want that too.
“Will you help me? I think I need to find a treatment center to go to for a little while.”
“Yeah, of course. Whatever you need, and when you come back, Pretty Girl, Casanova, and I will be waiting for you.”
I give him a truth he’s helped me learn, at least when it comes to him. “I know.” Archer loves me, and I love him. We’re going to make this work, together.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Archer
Isit acrossthe desk from my superior, who is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“You’re giving your notice?” he confirms.
“Yes, sir.” The fact that the choice wasn’t harder tells me it’s the best one for me.
“If this is about Easton Swift, that’s been worked out.” As soon as Gregory discovered it was Rhett and not East who broke into the house, he didn’t want to press charges. There’s not a doubt in my mind that he would have otherwise. I figure it’s one thing for East to get into trouble, but Gregory isn’t the kind of man who would allow that to happen to someone like Rhett. Gregory must still be hoping he’ll get Rhett in his life again, if only so he can try to control the oldest Swift brother. Even if Rhett doesn’t forgive him, it would look worse for Gregory if the town knew Rhett broke in as opposed to East. People look up to Rhett, see Rhett as an extension of Gregory, and he would never want to do something to change that.
“It’s not about that situation. It’s not about being with East at all.” Though in some ways, it is, if only because I would always choose East over anyone or anything else. “I just feel like I’ve done everything I can do here. It was never my dream. I was trying to fix something that I could never fix, make amends for something that I don’t have to make amends for. And now I want to see what else is out there.”
He nods, but the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he looks at me, I’m not sure he believes me. Which is fine. He doesn’t have to. What matters is knowing this is right for me.
“We’re going to miss you around here. You’re one hell of an officer.”