Page 67 of Embattled Return
Shannon chuckled softly and turned to look at Logan. “Would you tell him that he doesn’t look old with the glasses on?”
“You don’t look old with the glasses on. If anything,” he continued, grinning, “the gray hair at your temples makes you look older.”
“You fu...fudger! Who asked you?”
They all laughed as Logan went down the ramp into the space. John waved to the fridge at the base of the ramp. “Go ahead and get a beer. And grab me one, too.”
Logan did as he was told then moved to the bench, handing one of the beers off to John. There was a stool at one end of the bench he swung around to sit on. Oh, hell. Wouldn’t be sitting on it long.
John must have noticed because he pointed at the far wall. “There are regular nylon folding chairs over there. That might feel better.”
Logan swapped out the chairs. The new one didn’t hurt his legs nearly as bad. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
“What are you working on?” Logan already knew because he’d used the weapon as well, but he thought it would be a good conversation opener.
“This is an M4,” John said, as if instructing a class. “It fires a 5.56 mm round and is the shortened version of the M16A2...”
“I know that,” Logan laughed, interrupting him. “What’s the issue?”
John grinned at him. “No issue. I’m just cleaning it. Harper and I went to the range the other day and I hadn’t gotten back to it. It’s actually closer to an M4A1.”
His interest piqued, Logan leaned closer. “Like Special Forces uses?”
John nodded once, showing him the barrel. “Don’t tell the government. I tweaked the trigger and changed this out to a heavier duty version.”
Logan grinned. “That’s badass...”
“So, how did it go?”
In that five-minute period of time, he had allowed himself to forget what had happened an hour ago. “Did Marigold tell you what we were doing?”
“Nah,” John said, continuing to clean the barrel. “You said you had one more situation to deal with. I assumed you were dealing with it today.”
Logan sighed, resting the beer on his knee. “Yes, I tried.” He told him about the op when he was injured and his team was killed, talking to the family, and Lisa’s blow-up. Then about Ashley’s conversation.
“And you’re struggling with the guilt.”
“Basically,” Logan admitted. “Everything she said is true. I did get him killed, and I think I was looking for absolution. I may not have recognized it when I went there, but I did when she pointed it out.”
“You’re never going to find it,” John told him softly, letting his hands rest on his lap. “It doesn’t come from an exterior source. I’m gonna sound like a fucking shrink for a minute, but it needs to be said. It comes from inside you. It’s a process you have to go through to allow yourself to let go of the guilt. I can tell you exactly how many men died under my command, starting with the first grunt in Desert Storm to the last in Iraq.”
John frowned and looked down for a moment, an odd smile twisting his lips. “I’ll be damned,” he murmured. He shook his head, looking back at Logan. “What you have to remember is you were under orders to find insurgents. That was your entire job. Unfortunately, your job demanded sacrifice. But it’s not to be borne only by you. The military has responsibility as well.”
“Yeah, I know.”
It just didn’t make him feel any better right that moment.
And it didn’t make him feel any better moving forward with Mari. Hell, when had he even thought there was aforward?
“How do you move past it?” he asked. “The guilt.”
John sighed. “You just keep moving through life. It’s just like the suicidal thoughts. You keep moving through, day by day, and try to keep yourself occupied with other things, other goals. Eventually you’ll realize those thoughts don’t happen as much anymore, then they never happen.”
Logan nodded, trying to sort through his emotions. “I don’t feel suicidal like I did before. When I came out here, I was bad, I’ll admit that, but since then so much has changed. This week has been life-changing. I have family now, and a relationship I find myself...” he hesitated, searching for the right word, “enjoying. I don’t want anything to change.”
John reached out a fist expectantly and Logan bumped his knuckles. “That’s good to hear. Just so you know, though, you’ll still be expected to see our counselor when you hire on.”