Page 95 of Bring me Back

Seconds ticked by. Everyone waited, but I knew she wasn’t going to answer me. If she did, it wasn’t going to be the satisfying confession I deserved. With shaking legs, I stepped back, Torres’ hand closed on my shoulder in quiet strength. I smiled a little at him and then Marian, the woman was beaming in pride.

I passed her as she whispered, “Never saw you speaking that many words, kid. Thought for a second it was your mama.” My lips quivered, and she opened a huge smile. “Fearless.”

I left the diner, still shaky and not sure where to go. But before my brain caught up, my hands were fishing the letter from my pocket.

Dear Cricket,

My secrets aren’t guarded because I like it like that. I never considered myself someone to have them until you pointed it out. And you were right. I took your words without ever giving mine in return, and that was wrong. We needed to heal together, like partners, but that wasn’t the way I acted. I was so determined to be your champion, I didn’t realize you never asked for one.

You asked for a friend.

I know you might always look at me like one of them. And I swear I understand. I won’t push Hallie. All I wanted was to see you thrive and if away from me is the only way you can, I can accept that.

But I still owe you my words.

My closest friend—as sad as it sounds—is Mark, who was the third person to hold me when Mom brought me back from the hospital. He always knew me better than I knew myself. My second best would be Abby, who is dating Mark since forever. Abby is my older sister, my best friend and the reason we aren’t all crumbling.

My ex-wife Kelly used to be the third person on this list. We went to school together for our whole lives. I thought she knew me, and maybe she did. But we grew apart. I became a different person who she wasn’t happy about. And I get it. I was unhappy, too.

I never thought I hid that part of my story from you. I married Kelly young. My closest friends are members of my family. I never needed to show myself to anyone. Everyone in my life knows about everything. My journey from school to college, my wins and losses at football. My decision to get a degree in education simply because I had to declare a major. They were there when I proposed, and they were there when Kelly and I called quits.

My divorce messed with my head more than I cared to admit. I was alone in Bluehaven, away from my family. I was stuck in a limbo. I dragged myself for months. I was in that pit when I met Katie.

I was a mess. I couldn’t give myself into a relationship because I didn’t know who I was. I thought I never led her on. I thought she understood where I stood. The day I broke it off she was sad, but we never ended on a bad note. At least it was what I thought at the time, but let’s be honest, my head was right up my ass.

And then I met you, and it was like sunlight. You shook everything in me, you made me want more even when you refuse to speak to me.

And I was greedy. I was confused, and a little fucked up.

All from there, it was stumbling to get close to you. I made many mistakes along the way. I was selfish at times, but I tried to be better, too.

I’m not writing this to win you back. Not because I don’t want you back, but I think I must earn your words now. The only way to earn your trust back is opening myself up.

And if, after all, you still want nothing with me… That’s ok. I want you to know me, anyway.

Love, Dan.

He always signed with love at the end of his notes. They kept coming, little folded notes delivered by everyone in my life. Sometimes they were long, like the time he wrote about his childhood and his parents, and sometimes they were small. Just a note of something he thought was funny.

I looked forward to them all. I loved the little pieces of his soul he gave to me when he wrote about college, or his reluctance to accept that working with wood was the only thing that made him happy. I started to understand why he was so ravenous for me at the beginning. Getting someone’s words piece by piece was addicting.

I was thinking about them, my eyes darting from one side to the other, wondering if I was going to get anything today.

Mrs. Carr was checking the costumes. They were ready and she wouldn’t stop gushing about every detail.

“Perfect, Hallie.” She clapped. “Just perfect.”

I smiled, proud when she reached for her bag and handed me a small note. My heart soared at the sight. I couldn’t hold back my happiness when my fingers closed around the paper.

“You know I’m a sucker for grand gestures.” Mrs. Carr sighed. “I didn’t expect Daniel to be a romantic.”

I tilted my head left. “Why not?”

“He didn’t look the type. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Every man is a romantic for the right woman.”

I chewed on my cheek, afraid to open a bigger smile. Mrs. Carr tapped my hand, her fingers lingering a little. After everything came to surface, she hugged me for a long time. Patting my back, whispering she did not know. I tried to calm her, explaining I was fine now. But that hug was for her more than for me, so I let her be.

When I left the school, I stopped by the parking lot, unable to hold myself for a second more. I unfolded the note, and read Daniel’s chicken scrawl: