Page 13 of Lakeside Longing
Quinn drew her gaze away from the fire and found Rebecca watching her, a silent question in her warm, brown eyes. It was now or never. She took a deep breath, the words forming on her lips, delicate and fragile as glass.
“I asked because...” Quinn started, her voice barely above a whisper, “I think I’m going through something similar.”
Rebecca’s expression was one of surprise and concern. “Quinn?”
The sound of her name, filled with unspoken questions, gave Quinn the courage to continue. “The reason I asked about your experience... It’s because I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. And it’s terrifying.”
Rebecca nodded slowly, her eyes never leaving Quinn’s face. “It is terrifying,” she agreed, her voice soft and steady. “But it’s also one of the bravest things you’ll ever do.”
Quinn felt a lump form in her throat, the weight of her confession hanging in the air between them.
Rebecca’s expression softened, her eyes reflecting the firelight as she reached out and took Quinn’s hand in her own. It was a simple gesture, one of comfort and solidarity, and it was enough to give Quinn the strength to continue.
“I’ve always thought of myself as straight. I mean, all my relationships have been with men. But then, on set for my last movie, I kissed a woman, and I still don’t know what happened. But I felt something real, something that scared me. Mostly,I’ve been feeling guilty, because it felt so unprofessional, but that’s why I left Los Angeles. I was so restless. Once I’d finished filming, I packed my bags. I mean, I wanted to be here for my mom’s birthday, but I just knew that I couldn’t go back. Not until I knew what it meant. And even now, when I’ve spent the last week here, just thinking and coming to this realization, I don’t know when I’ll be ready to go back.”
Rebecca listened, her thumb gently stroking the back of Quinn’s hand, grounding her in the moment. “It’s okay to be scared, Quinn. It’s okay to be confused.” She held her gaze. “But why can’t you go back?”
“Because I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to come out?—”
“Hey,” Rebecca said, cutting her off. “When did this on set kiss happen?”
“Two weeks ago.”
“Okay.” Rebecca smiled. “Coming out should be the furthest thing from your mind. There’s no rush. Just look at me.” Her lips curved into another charming smile. “Or maybe don’t. I wouldn’t recommend taking twenty years to do it, but you know what I mean.”
Quinn did know what she meant, but she also lived a very different lifestyle. Her career depended on how marketable she was, on what the public’s opinion of her was. Oh god. The promo for this movie. It would force her to go back in just a few months. Even if she did a lot of it in New York, she’d still be facing questions about what it was like for a straight woman to play a gay character, and she couldn’t lie.
Quinn’s heart raced as she thought about coming out. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like. What would people think of her after dating some of the most famous actors in Hollywood? Would they think she’d been pretending?
She glanced at Rebecca, who was watching her intently. Quinn knew she needed to say something, but the words wouldn’t come.
8
Rebecca’s gaze lingered on Quinn’s profile, her eyes tracing the gentle slope of her nose, the determined set of her jaw. “Hey, where did you just go?” she asked, her voice gentle.
Quinn’s shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath before she turned to face Rebecca. “I just realized I won’t be able to stay away from LA forever,” she said, a hint of resignation creeping into her voice. “The movie’s promo and premiere are coming up. I’ll have to go back and face all that.”
Rebecca’s stomach twisted with a pang of sympathy. She knew what it was like to be torn between two worlds, to feel the weight of expectation bearing down on you. “And you’re thinking about coming out before then,” she said, her words barely above a whisper.
Quinn’s eyes met hers, a flash of fear dancing in their depths before she nodded. Rebecca’s heart went out to her, remembering the terror she’d felt when she’d finally admitted the truth to herself, to her friends, to Anthony, but it would be so different for Quinn. She had so many people watching her, following her every move.
“Because I’m playing a lesbian, there’s going to be questions about what it was like for me, as a straight woman, to play a queer character.” Quinn took a drink, her hand trembling ever so slightly.
Rebecca slid her hand away from Quinn’s as she stood up and put some larger sticks on the fire.
“If I plan on coming out at all, I have to do it before I go on that press tour,” Quinn said, her eyes lifting to meet Rebecca’s as she stood up from the fire and turned to face her. “Otherwise… It will just look awful. I’d be lying my way through the interviews only to come out a few months later?”
Rebecca sat down beside her again, not knowing what to say, because she had no idea how Quinn lived in the public eye.
“The reason that I asked you how you knew,” Quinn said her voice thick with emotion, “Is because I still can’t understand how I didn’t know this about myself. You said that with hindsight, there were signs. I can’t think of any. There has been nothing up until this point in my life. Nothing.”
“Your mother has been fooled more than once thinking that she was going to have one of Hollywood’s most handsome actors for a son-in-law,” Rebecca said.
“Oh I know. She’s always been more disappointed than me when I told her that I’d ended things.”
Rebecca angled her body towards Quinn. “Were you always the one to end it?”
Quinn nodded.