Page 63 of When We Crash
“I can’t, Ma. You said you were going to behave. You said you were sober, but I can smell the booze on you.” Tim moved to stand next to Noa.
Their mother stood there, breathing heavily, sweat shining on her skin. It wasn’t just alcohol—she had hate in her heart. “Fine. Fine! To hell with the both of you. You’ll be just like your father, Timothy. And you,” she pointed to Noa, “you can pretend you didn’t come from dirt. Pretend that this is your life. These people, they’ll see you for the trash you’ve been all along.” She spat at their feet and ambled back into the darkness.
Noa turned into me, burrowing her face in my shirt. I felt her tears even though I couldn’t hear them.
Tracey turned, telling the guests it was time to go. Everyone filed out somberly, and Tim went inside to help Ralph clean up. I stayed where I was, being Noa’s support. I thought once before that I was meant to be her anchor, keeping her grounded so she remained with me. But I was feeling more like a life vest, keeping her afloat as she fought the temptation to drown.
“Come,” I whispered. When she didn’t budge, I pulled her, walking us up to my bedroom. Once inside, I went to work taking off her dress and swimsuit.
She stopped me, cradling my face in her hands and kissing me.
Instantly, I felt the urgency on her lips. “Blue?” I whispered the question as I pulled back.
“Do you still love me? Now that you know what I came from?” Silent tears slid down her face.
“I’m not even going to answer that,” I said, angry. I was tired of proving myself to her. I went through my bag and tossed her a shirt and some shorts.
She threw them back to me. “Then why can’t you look at me?” she yelled.
I faced her, my eyes taking her in. “I am looking at you! I’malwayslooking at you, looking for you. Hell, all Iseeis you. What more do you want? You want me to have sex with you? I can’t do that. I can’t—I don’t want to taint that with the disgusting things your mother said.” I sat on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair.
She sat next to me and placed her hand on the middle of my back. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Just stop insulting me, Noa.” I took off my clothes and turned off the light. I pulled the comforter back and lay down.
If she wanted to lie down, she would. I was tired of being the only one who had faith in us.
* * *
Wake up!She needs you.
I sat up quickly, my eyes adjusting slowly to the darkness. I was alone in my room. I got up and checked Noa’s room, in case she decided to sleep in there. It was empty. I searched the house and ran into a very sleepy Tracey.
“Dex? What’s going on?”
“I have to find Noa,” I said as I bolted down the steps. I couldn’t find Tim either.
Did he leave?
When I looked in the kitchen, I noticed the liquor cabinet was ajar. A few bottles were open on the counter. “Fuck!”
Notthis. I can’t.
I ran outside and looked toward the dock. She was on the edge, standing there while the wind blew at her dress. At some point, she’d removed her hair from its braids, and the free strands flew around her face. Even at this point, on the edge of danger, she looked like a religious being.
Tim stood off to the side, talking to her, it seemed. I could faintly hear him telling her to come back into the house, that it was dangerous. “I’m not mad, I swear,” he said. “We all slip up sometimes.”
“Noa!” I screamed. “Noa!”
She turned quickly toward my voice and lost her balance, hitting her head against the post.
And my angel fell.
At the sound of her hitting the water, I moved.
I ran as fast as I could toward the dock, pushing Tim out of the way when he cried that he couldn’t swim.
I heard Tracey telling Ralph to call nine-one-one just as I crashed into the water. It was too dark. I couldn’t see anything. I surfaced, looking to see if she’d floated. When I saw nothing but smooth surface, I ducked down again, cursing in my head. My lungs were beginning to burn when I saw her white dress. I swam over and pulled her with me, bringing her up to the surface.