Page 43 of Where We Fall

Before today, we’d never spoken.

But still.

Maybe it was the blue. I touched my fingers to the light blue strands of my hair, thankful that Tim had agreed to it, signifying my new life. A better life with a better attitude. I would even try not to swear as much. Tim said it made me sound like I was an idiot, which we both knew I wasn’t.

I didn’t know if I’d changed just because I realized, at the last minute, that I didn’t want to die. I didn’t know anything except that I was…different.

I didn’t want to hate my parents anymore. I didn’t want to only exist.

I wanted to live and I wanted to find something worth living for.

I pondered this as I climbed the steps of the bus and sat three rows from the front. The rowdier kids always took the back seats, and I didn’t want to have to clamber over them to get off at my stop.

I looked out of the dirty window, my eyes skating over the muddy snow until I stopped on the large guy next to Dexter. His hair was that faded red that looked blond some days and ginger others. His cheeks were pink from the cold as he got into the passenger seat. My eyes went to Dexter’s, which were thoughtful.

He started his car and pulled off and I wondered, with a hated weight in my belly, if I’d ever interact with him again.

Noa

I was still sittingagainst the wall when I heard a soft knock on the door. A few seconds later, it opened, and Dexter walked in and sat beside me quietly. I wanted to lean against him, but I didn’t know why he was here or what mood he was in. So, we remained silent beside each other.

My eyelids grew heavier and as I was about to fall asleep, I heard the sound of his voice.

“There has never been a moment in my life that I didn’t love you. If we’re talking after the amnesia, I loved you before I even knew you. Because I felt your force and I knew you were out there. I just knew I had to find you.” He drew my hand in his, and I kept my eyes on the wall in front of us.

“I had to force you to see me,” I whispered.

“What do you mean?”

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

Was it really fate if I’d played a part?

If I hadn’t stopped Dexter that day, he would’ve walked right past me like he had a hundred times before, and I wouldn’t be the poison that refused to be sucked out.

“That day in the hall. I saw you coming. I wanted you to notice me. So, I stood in your way and let you bump into me. It wasn’t fate, Dexter. It was me wanting to be seen.”

When he let go of my hand, I placed it in my lap, still not looking at him.

“I feel like you’re trying to cheapen what we have,” he said.

I finally looked at him. “What do we have, Dexter? A son and a broken home. You watched me be with someone else. Why are you still here?” I shivered. I’d asked him that question once before, a long time ago.

“Because I can’t be this for anyone else but you, Noa. Watching you with him killed me a little each day. But I left you. That was my fault.”

Silence stretched on between us, and this time I imagined a slinky. Because the further it stretched, the more I wanted it to snap back and have that time again. To fill it with words I should’ve said.

The next five minutes weren’t promised. The next five years or decades. I had no idea how much time I had left. Or how much time he had. And damn it, I just wanted tolovehim. To love loving him. To live to love him.

“Isn’t it funny that all this time we wanted to be in each other’s heads and not our hearts? I mean, sure, our brains are to blame for our emotions but traditionally speaking, our heads are where our logic rules and our hearts hold our emotional ties.” I touched him and the blue fire was no longer my burden. It swallowed us whole as I laced my fingers through his.

“What we have defies logic. You breathed life into me. You could open up any part of me and they’d find pieces of you in there. We had it right the first time, Blue. Open up my head, because that’s where you live. Open up my heart if you want, my arms, my spleen. I’m alive because of you. Because I love you so much, I couldn’t even think of ever forgetting you.”

I swallowed. If we were being honest, I had to tell him. We had to go through the pain together. And hopefully make it to the other side together—the healing side.

“I want you to know everything,” I whispered.

Noa