Page 68 of Perfect Sin
I kiss the side of her head. Our bodies tangle together like they always do when we’re together. My other hand slides under her shirt stopping to rest over her heart. Before Raven I never touched a woman to feel an emotional connection. It was all about getting off and getting out as quickly as possible.
If I have a heart, it beats in her chest. Sex with Raven is the best I’ve ever had, but I need more. She makes me need more, but only with her. I need the brush of her hand against mine and the feel of her breath as it fans across my chest when we sleep. I need Raven, plain and simple.
I take a deep breath, trying to fight through the fear of saying the wrong thing and pushing her away further. “I never really believed you were cheating on me. I know I made you think I did, but it wasn’t that.”
“Then tell me, because believing you thought I could hurts.”
I lick my lips. “It isn’t that I thought you would turn to someone else, but that you should. I’m not good for you. I’m not good period. You’re everything I’m not: pure, perfect, redeemable. I’m afraid I’m dragging you down into the mud with me. And even though I’m saying all of this to you, I’m hoping you’ll choose to stay.”
She turns in my arms and nuzzles her head under my chin. “You need to stop this. I’m not any better than you.”
I shake my head. “The things I’ve done can never be washed clean. You are too good to be tied to a whore and a murderer for the rest of your life.”
Raven pulls back so she can look me in the eyes. I can’t read what emotions are playing in the blue depths. She needs to hear this. I need her to hear this, so she knows without a doubt who she’s married to.
“You weren’t a whore,” she says emphatically.
“I traded sex for money. Isn’t that the definition of being a whore?”
She gulps. “Children can’t consent to sex. Not with adults. They paid Damien to rape you.”
I flinch at her words. I open my mouth to argue with her, but she places her finger against my lips silencing me. “I was raped. For two years I was forced to submit to a man who abused and degraded me because I didn’t believe I had anyone to turn to. I wasn’t even as young as you were. Does that make me less worthy of love?”
“Of course not. You didn’t have anyone to help you. Damien left you isolated and made sure you were cut off from making friends. Kyle took advantage of that. You never had a chance to escape then.”
“You didn’t have a chance either. Sin, you were a child. Stop torturing yourself for the things you couldn’t possibly control.”
I know logically what she’s saying is true, but that doesn’t erase the sense of filth I feel coating my soul. “Even if I manage to believe that, and I am trying, I’m still a murderer.”
“I put a knife in Kyle’s eye, and I still don’t feel guilty I killed him. We’ve both killed people. Both of us have been used against our will. There is a difference between us though.”
I dip my head. Here it is, the moment she realizes I’m not good enough for her. This is when she walks away from me. “What is it?” My weakness for her will always bring me back to her, so I need her to twist this knife to give me the strength to let her walk away.
“You weren’t born for this life, Sin. You should be at an ivy league college, probably dating a socialite, getting ready to go to law school. I’m a Blackthorne. Damien’s blood runs through my veins. There was never an alternative path for me.”
“I can’t imagine that life. I wouldn’t have met you. I don’t want any part of an existence you aren’t a part of.”
“Then stop trying to push me away!” she screams. Her body shakes in my arms, and I break with her.
“Shh, I’m here. I’ll never leave you. I couldn’t stay away from you from the moment we met, I certainly can’t do it now.”
“You act like I didn’t know who you were when I married you. Do you remember what we promised each other?”
I close my eyes, a smile pulling up the corner of my mouth as the memory of that day, and the promises I made to her, comes back.
“I’m not a gentle man. I’m not always going to say or do the right thing. Life with me won’t be easy, but I promise to love you with everything I have, because you are my everything. What we have is forever. We might fight with each other, but not as much as we fight for each other. From this moment forward it’s you and me, no matter what life throws at us.”
She watches me as I remember the words I said to her. “No matter what,” she reminds me.
“I’m sorry I keep fucking up,” I murmur.
She cradles my face in her hands. “We need to make some changes if we’re going to make our marriage work.”
“Anything,” I say without thinking.
“I think you should see a therapist.”
“Pick something else,” I implore her.