Page 124 of Hockey Boy
“I just need the quiet sometimes. Especially after an exciting day. After having to be ‘on’ so much.”
I just need him to help me figure out how to avoid falling into the dark moments during hockey season. I have a job to do, and if I don’t do it, my brother will have no choice but to replace me.
Across from me, Robert pulls his glasses from his face, cleans them with a cloth he pulls out of a drawer, then sets them on the desk between us. “Aiden, you have depressive episodes. Depression is an illness, but it’s not like cancer or the common cold. We don’t treat it with the expectation that it will be eradicated. We find ways to deal with it. Coping mechanisms so that we can handle the episodes when they occur. But as I’ve told you before, one of the first and most important steps is to recognize the illness for what it is.”
My throat goes tight, making it hard to breathe. “I know what it is.” I slide my hands up and down my legs, willing myself to remain calm. “What I’m trying to say is that Lennox knows as well, and she doesn’t mind.”
He nods. “I’m glad you found someone who loves you and makes you happy. Genuinely. But if you are having more episodes, then maybe we should discuss medication?—”
I shake my head before he can finish his sentence. “I don’t want that.”
“I know you don’t want that. But if things are escalating?—”
“I’ve got it handled.”
That may not be totally accurate, but if I have to choose between medication and figuring it out myself, I’ll figure it out myself.
I’ll stick with my routines. Do the things that make me happy. If I can keep from fucking it all up, I can maintain all the good things in my life. My career. Lennox. My family.
But if I have to go on meds, I’d have to tell the team doctor and Gavin. He’s my coach. What would he think if he knew that his star center needs fucking medication to smile? Would he trust me to do my job?
It’s absurd. I’ve got everything. There’s absolutely no reason I should feel this way, so I’ll keep it under control.
“Hello, Langfields. Your favorite uncle is here!” I yell as I open the door to my brother’s brownstone. Immediately, a baby cries and the dog howls.
Brooks barrels past me. “Nice job, favorite uncle. I call dibs on the older ones.”
Sara giggles as she passes me, her blue ponytail swishing back and forth. “I promised Addie we’d have a tea party, so you boys are on baby duty. Come on, Len. Let’s find the girls.”
When Beckett appears on the stairs with a screaming baby in his arms and a glare on his face, I wince.
“June Bug, you can scream in your uncle Aiden’s ear, since he’s the one who woke you up.”
Fortunately, his wife—my favorite sister-in-law at the moment—follows behind him with a quieter baby. “Beckett, you will not hand off our daughter until she’s back to her happy self.”
Beckett sighs down at the miserable baby. “It’s gonna be a while.”
At the top of the stairs, Winnie walks past the steps and heads down the hall without even a hello.Ouch.
“Tough crowd,” I grumble as I hold out my hands for the screaming baby.
“Are you sure you can handle this?” Beckett asks, pulling June into his chest.
Brooks has already disappeared with Finn, so it’s just Beckett, Liv, the twins, and me.
I so don’t have this, but I’ll never admit it. Friday nights have always been date nights for Beckett and Liv, and I’ve done plenty of babysitting, but since the twins were born, they’ve had nights in. My brother has been chomping at the bit to take his wife out again, and I refuse to disappoint them. Especially because Liv’s birthday is this weekend. Knowing my brother, he’s got some big thing planned. When it comes to Liv, he spares no expense.
Liv settles Maggie Mae in a walker—it’s terrifying to think that another one of Beckett’s kids is close to walking—and Beckett finally hands June over. After they’re gone, I glance down at her and smile. “Let’s see what kind of trouble we can get into, kid.”
Lex and Sara reappear with Addie, swinging the five-year-old between them from step to step. She giggles the entire way down, and once they hit the ground level, she darts at me. The little ball of energy has really come into her own personality. She’s got two pigtails, though one is lopsided.
“Let me guess. Auntie Sara did your hair?”
Addie shakes her head and rolls back and forth on her heels, which leaves her belly peeking out of her T-shirt. “I did its myself,” she says proudly.
I pull on one side, evening it out a bit. “Perfect, little one. You did a great job.”
“You want to join us for a tea party?” Lex asks, holding up two pink plastic teacups.