Page 19 of Echoes
“And I told her it was you. She got angry because I’d led her on, and she was right to be angry about that. Then, she left, and–”
“You cried. Why did you cry if you didn’t love her?” Lydia asked.
“Because I’ve loved you since we were fifteen years old, but I’ve let one thing or another get in the way of telling you ever since. First, I was dealing with my grief. Then, I didn’t know I liked girls yet. After that, we were together, but I was dealing with my issues again, and I broke your heart, Lydia.” Her eyes welled with tears. “I didn’t think I deserved you after that. I’ve dated, yeah, but no woman has ever held a candle to you. You’re the one I’ve always wanted. But I want you to be happy, and I don’t think Icanbe happy.”
“What? Why not?”
“Because one night, I saw my dad get murdered right in front of my eyes, and I couldn’t do anything to help him. I ran back inside that house, and he was outside, dying. I’ve hated myself for not being able to tell them who did this because I was right there. It was just so dark. I couldn’t see until this thing showed me who he was. Now, all I want are answers.”
“What if you don’t get them, El? Are you going to live your whole life without love because you don’t have them?”
“I don’t know.”
“Eliza, I’m sitting right here. I’ve been here this whole time. You know that no woman has ever meant to me what you mean to me. They can’t. It’s just not possible. I’ve been in love with you since we met, Eliza. And I’ll always be in love with you. Can’t you see that?”
“I have no right to hurt you again.”
“Then, don’t fucking hurt me,” Lydia replied, moving to kneel in front of Eliza. “I don’t have any idea what just happened to me. All I know is that I watched you cry, balled up in the fetal position, and you said things to yourself, El. You kept saying over and over that you don’t deserve me. But that’s not true. You’ve always deserved me. This thing that happened to you and your family is tragic, but you’ve watched your mother turn into a zombie. Is that what you want for yourself?”
“God, no,” she said quickly.
“Then, stop trying to make relationships happen with other women you don’t love and be with the one youdolove. Be with me, El. I love you. I’ve been here loving you, trying to show you.”
“You’ve dated, too, Lydia. I wanted you to be happy with one of those women.”
“I dated because, for years, I thought there was no chance for us. But I started to feel that shift recently, and I stopped. No more dates for me unless they’re with you.” Lydia rubbed her hands up and down Eliza’s legs. “We’ll figure this thing out, okay? Whatever is happening, we’ll figure it out. We’ll find this guy. He’ll go to prison, and we’ll get answers, but please, let’s just do this together because I am miserable without you, babe. God, I’ve been miserable without you since I was nineteen years old. And you’ve been here, too, being miserable this whole time because you think you don’t deserve me. El, you deserveeverythinggood. And I want to be the one who gives it to you, if I can.”
“I don’t want to end up like my mother,” Eliza told her, letting a few tears fall.
“Then, don’t.” Lydia smiled at her and added, “I love you. You’re the only one for me. You always have been.”
“I love you, too,” Eliza replied.
Lydia stood, pulled Eliza up by the hands, and they just stared at one another for a minute as if neither of them knew what to do now. They hadn’t kissed in more than a decade. And they’d both changed a lot since then, but they’d always come back to one another, even if it was just as friends. Eliza knew that she had to be the one to do this now. She needed to reassure Lydia that this was happening. So, she leaned in, pressed her forehead to her best friend’s forehead, and inhaled deeply.
“Are we really doing this?” Lydia whispered.
Eliza answered that question by pressing her lips to Lydia’sover and over again until Lydia opened to her, and they were kissing slowly and deeply. Her arms moved around Lydia’s neck. Lydia’s were around her back and under Eliza’s shirt, palms pressing to heated skin. Both of them moaned. Eliza wasn’t sure if she’d moaned first or if it had been Lydia, but she gripped the back collar of the T-shirt that Lydia was wearing with both hands, needing to hold on to something because this was what she’d been missing, and it was the thing she never thought she could have again.
It had been so long since they’d last kissed. Eliza knew they should talk more first. She’d been building walls around herself brick by brick from the moment her father died. She had at least a three-layer fortress with a damn moat around her, and no woman had ever been able to break through. She supposed that was probably because she never gave them the time or the opportunity, but there was one person in her life who had been able to slowly knock the walls down. She did it not with a wrecking ball but with a fine touch, slowly pulling down one brick at a time, and when another, new one appeared, she just kept it there and focused on the older bricks that were more ready to be tossed into that moat until finally, Eliza was standing in her own bedroom, kissing her and pulling at her shirt until it was on the floor.
As Lydia’s lips shifted to her neck, Eliza was having a hard time focusing on the fact that just an hour earlier, she’d watched her best friend disappear in front of her eyes after a device they knew nothing about had transported her to a moment in time that Lydia hadn’t witnessed for herself and couldn’t have known the details of. Prior to today, even if Eliza hadn’t been able to convince herself that the device was really doing these things and it wasn’t just her imagination, she could now. She knew she hadn’t heard the conversation between the man called Albert and her father in reality, but now, she was more than certain. She just didn’t understand why the device would take her back to a murder and Lydia back to a little over a month ago when Eliza had broken up with a girlfriend who had wanted more from her than Eliza had been able to give.
When Lydia pulled Eliza’s shirt off and stood there, staring at Eliza’s breasts still covered in her bra, Eliza knew that she needed to be fully present here, in this moment. She cleared her mind, finding it surprisingly easy to do so now as she took in Lydia’s dark eyes aimed at her chest and focused only on how good it felt to finally be doing this again with the woman she’d always loved. She kissed Lydiathen and turned them around so that Lydia was backed up against the bed.
“Yeah? You’re sure?” Lydia checked. “A lot has happened today. We can–”
“I’m sure. Are you?” Eliza asked back.
“I’ve been sure since I was a teenager, El. We only ended things back then because it seemed like you needed that, and I couldn’t lose you as my friend. I can’t lose now, either, so if you think this is just the emotions of everything happening right now, tell me because we should stop.”
In response, Eliza smiled at her and removed her own bra, letting it fall to the floor. Then, she lowered the sweats that she’d been wearing to hang out with her best friend and took her underwear with them as well because she wanted the woman she loved to see her and touch her. She reached for Lydia’s jeans next and undid them before she pushed them down. Lydia kicked them off the rest of the way and was now standing in only her underwear and mismatched bra, looking perfect.
“Oh, baby,” Lydia let out as she looked Eliza up and down.
She hadn’t called her ‘baby’ since they were nineteen, and Eliza couldn’t help but close her eyes, remembering how good it had always felt. When she opened them a second later, Lydia’s bra was gone, and she was sliding her underwear down her legs until they were gone, too, and there were no more barriers between them.
Eliza pressed herself to Lydia’s body then, holding on to her. Arms around Lydia’s neck. Breasts pressed together. Lydia’s arms around her waist, holding on to Eliza tightly. Lydia had been wanting this, too. They’d both wanted this all along… That realization hit her like a ton of bricks, causing the guilt to return becauseshe’d been the one keeping them apart.