Page 101 of Ink & Desire
She says thelast part in an accusatory tone, making me want to shrink down small enough to crawl under the couch.
“Thank you,” I say. "I'm sorry."
Meredith leaves me standing in the middle of the room, heart pounding with nerves. I take a deep breath and stuff my hands in my pockets as I begin to slowly pace the length of the room. I try to think about what I'm going to say to Avery when I see her. I need to convince her to give me another chance, but I don't know if it's even possible after all I put her through.
“What are you doing here?”
I whirl around at the sound of Avery’s voice coming from behind me. She looks gorgeous, as always. She’s still dressed for the gala, but her feet are bare. She looks exhausted and angry and sad. I reach for her, but she takes a step backward, out of my reach. That stings. But I can’t say I blame her after everything I put her through.
“You wouldn’t answer your phone,” I say lamely.
She rolls her eyes. “So, you, what? Decide to sneak past the guardhouse and onto my mom’s property? What was your plan, Corbin?”
Angry. Definitely angry. That’s okay, I can work with an angry Avery.
“I didn’t really have one,” I admit. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Did you ever think that I didn’t want to talk to you?” she asks. “That maybe I needed some time to think without you clouding my thoughts?”
She’s right. I hadn’t thought about that. I’d just been so blinded by the need to talk to her, to convince her to give me another chance, that I hadn’t considered that she might not want to talk to me at all.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I should have respected your privacy and your space.”
She sighs. “God, Corbin. Do you know how shitty this feels? To never know where you stand with someone? To always wonder if you’re good enough?”
I blink in surprise. “Good enough? You’re perfect. I’m the one who isn’t good enough.”
The silence hangs in the air for a long moment before she speaks again.
“You remember that first night you asked me to sleep over?”
Her voice is low, and I can hear the pain in her words. Knowing I’m responsible for that pain is like a knife twisting in my gut. I can’t speak, so I just nod.
Her mouth shifts into a rueful smile. “I was laying there thinking, ‘This is it. He’s finally seeing what we can be together.’ And then you pushed me away again in the morning when I asked you some random question about your family. You shut down. And you got angry. And you wouldn’t let me in.”
Shame washes over me because I know exactly which incident she’s talking about. And she’s not wrong. I did shut her out. I tried to push her away. I tried to keep her at arm’s length for so long. I open my mouth to apologize. To beg her to let me tell her every dark, depressing detailof my childhood. I’ll lay my soul bare if it means she’ll stay. But I don’t get the chance to say it before she’s speaking again.
“But then you were sweet to me again,” she says. “And you kissed me like you were sorry. So, I let it go. I let you convince me it didn't matter. I let myself get lost in my feelings for you, and I forgot that you wouldn't let me in. I thought ‘Maybe this is it. Maybe we’re turning the corner. Maybe we’re past the hard part.’” She shakes her head, and a laugh huffs out that’s anything but humorous.
“But I was wrong. Again.” She turns her gaze to face me directly, those gorgeous eyes so full of sadness that I know I put there. “Corbin, no matter how many times I think we’re out of the woods, you do or say something to drag us right back there. Or you don’t say anything at all. I can’t tell which is worse, honestly. I just know I can’t keep doing it. I can’t keep being the only one who thinks this can work.”
Panic hits me squarely in the chest. This is it. She’s going to end it for good. And there’s nothing I can do about it. The thought of not being able to hold her, to have her near? It’s enough to steal the breath from my lungs. What can I say to convince her not to give up on me? How can I prove to her that she means more to me than anything else in my life? Somehow this woman has become the one thing I can’t live without. And she’s going to leave me if I can’t find a way to make her stay.
I need to tell her all the reasons she can’t go. I need to tell her how much I need her. I know she’d be better off without me, but I’m a selfish bastard. I want her. Why is it so hard for me to just say the words? I’ve always used action to prove who I am. It’s worked for me for all these years. But I’ve never had someone like Avery in my life. I’ve never needed someone as badly as I need her. I consider what it would mean if she left me, and I’m forced to go back to the man I was before she walked into my life. Imagining my life without Avery in it is so terrible that I immediately shove the thought out of my head.
“Please,” I say. “Don’t go.”
She shakes her head slowly, a sad smile on her face. “Corbin,” she whispers.
“I know I fucked it all up,” I say, my words tripping over each other. “I know that. But this is all new for me.”
“It’s new for me, too.”
I nod. “I know. And I’m not making excuses. I know I hurt you so many times. I got scared and I pushed you away. I wasn’t ready for all of this.”
She narrows her eyes. “And you are now?”
I hesitate just long enough for her to sigh.