Page 63 of Iron Heart
I haven’t been able to touch any of the club girls. I’ve barely slept, except for when I drink enough to pass out for a while. Yesterday, even ugly-ass Yoda told me I look like hell.
Staying away from Tori has been the hardest thing I’ve done in my goddamn life.
I mean yeah, I’m in love with her. (Fuck my life.) She’s the only woman I’ve slept with more than once or twice. I just didn’t realize how fucking attached I’d gotten to her.
But every time I think about calling her, or just showing up unannounced on her doorstep, I think about Cyndi. And how that could have been Tori, on the back of my bike. How she could have been killed because she was with me, in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
As pissed as I was about her not telling me about her heart condition, I can’t put her life at risk by being with me.
Nothing else has happened to the club since Mal and Cyndi’s accident. All the Lords have been on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop, but that’s starting to calm down a little.
Mal’s still pretty banged up, and it’s a miracle he wasn’t hurt worse. But the guilt that he wasn’t the one killed is eating at him, for sure.
“Cyndi didn’t deserve to die,” Mal mutters gloomily at me one night at the clubhouse. We’re racin’ to the bottom of a bottle of Jack. Gage and Rourke are there with us. Gage’s old lady, Bailey, is sitting on his lap.
“We’re gonna find out the exact people who did this, brother,” I promise him. “And they’re gonna pay hard for what they did.”
“Shit.” Mal barely hears me. “She died because she was hangin’ out with me. I should just stay far away from women who ain’t club girls.”
Laney, Rourke’s old lady, comes over to us from the bar, a beer in her hand. “What about if you find a woman you’re serious about, Mal?” she asks, settling into a chair next to Rourke. “You can’t tell me you’d push a woman away if you were in love with her.”
“Hell, yes, I would,” he spits out bitterly. “I’m not gonna be responsible for pulling a woman into this life.” Mal glances toward Rourke, then to Gage, suddenly realizing what he’s said. “Sorry, brothers. I don’t mean it like that.”
“Yes, you do,” Bailey cuts in. Her voice is gentle as she looks at Mal. “And I understand why you’d say that. But Mal, you’re forgetting something.”
“What’s that?” he frowns.
“That we women make thechoiceto be in this life.”
Mal pauses, momentarily subdued.
“Some choice,” he mutters then, reaching for the bottle of Jack.
“It is!” Laney pipes up. Her dark hair swings around her face as she nods in agreement with Bailey. “Look, Mal. I understand. We’re all upset about Cyndi. She was a great person. I know you blame yourself for what happened to her, but surely you know that’s crazy, right? Would you blame Dante, if he was the one who had Cyndi on the back of his bike when you got ambushed?”
Mal stares at me. I see his eyes flicker, and he looks down. “No.”
Laney presses on. “And you shouldn’t. See, each one of you men has made the choice to be part of this club. You knew what you were getting into. And you made the decision with your eyes open.” She nods once. “Well, so did we. Rourke tried to warn me, I promise,” she continues, laying her head on his shoulder. Rourke reflexively wraps an arm around her. “He told me about the risks. Yes, this life is hard sometimes. Yes, we know our men are in danger. But we also know that the men of this club would lay down their lives to protect each other. And us.”
Laney looks around the room. “This club is closer to me than my own family. The love and loyalty I’ve been shown here are like nothing I’ve ever known. And I know they’re unconditional.” Laney’s voice goes soft. “That, and being with Rourke? That’s a choice I’ve never regretted making. Not for one second. No matter what.”
“What she said,” Bailey agrees. “I feel exactly the same way.” She glances lovingly at Gage. “Plus, not only does my daughter have a daddy who’s more there for her than her actual father ever has been. She also has a dozen or so Lords of Carnage ‘uncles’ who are teaching her to be a total badass.”
I’m listening to this whole exchange, my mind going in all directions. It ain’t Mal’s fault about Cyndi. And I can see what Bailey and Laney mean. I know they both chose to be old ladies, and I’ve seen the way Gage and Rourke look at them. Knowing the way they are together, it doesn’t seem like the wrong decision. And Gage and Rourke are better men for having those women in their lives.
But when I think about Tori, all I can see is something happening to her.
And as much as I miss her, I think it would kill me if she ever got hurt because of me.
“Earth to fuckin’ Dante! Jesus, man, are you in there?”
I look up to find Axel staring down at me. He snorts out a chuckle.
“Shit, you must be further into that bottle than you look.”
“Naw… I was just thinkin’ about something.” I shift in my seat. “What’s up?”
“You know where Dom is?” Axel gestures toward the door. “He was supposed to be by with the truck a while ago, to pick up a shipment for us. He hasn’t shown up yet.”