Page 28 of Captured Memories
“Won’t lie, I sure as hell don’t get why you put up with my sorry ass. However, I’m not here to argue with you, Livs.” He clutched her like a lifeline, and she surrendered to his embrace, her legs trembling with the relief that rushed through her.
“Before we go forward,” he murmured into her hair, “we need to lay everything out in the open. Honesty is one of my steps, and if I want to keep my lapse from turning into a full blown relapse, I need to recommit myself to sobriety. What I’m saying is, this won’t be an easy road—I’m going to have to dedicate a lot of time at meetings, and dodge certain things if I’m in a bad headspace.”
She nodded against him, all the unsaid things tensing the air. Liv wasn’t prone to secrecy—full disclosure she could do, even if she had to summon her courage in the process. She sucked in a shaky breath, unwilling to look at him while she called on every ounce of strength she could manage.
“If we’re doing this for real,” she said, “you’ve got to be aware of my triggers, about what happened to me back in college.” His silence urged her onward even as his grip around her waist tightened the same way her heart did. She forced herself to speak the words out loud.
“I was raped,” she said, trying to blank out the memories. Even now, the word held power over her, as if speaking it aloud reduced her to nothing but a nameless victim stuck in the helpless fugue state that claimed her in the weeks after. Zane didn’t interrupt, just continued to hold her tightly while he listened, providing the strength she needed to continue. It was time for her to do this.
“Third year in college, I was at a party at another dorm. I drank too much, and like a cliché, this friend of mine offers to help me back to my place.” Hell, whenever she said it out loud, she felt so stupid. So stupid for believing, for trusting. A spiral of blame lay one vicious misstep away. Still, she fought to keep moving forward every day. Liv’s throat tightened, but she continued.
“With the way I was wobbling all over the place, I figured it’d be safer to have the assistance. Funny how that turned out.” The bitterness in her voice turned caustic, the memories slamming at the walls she put up to protect herself. She shivered, unable to shake the feeling. “Dropped out days later and never looked back.”
Zane let out a harsh breath, and a second later he pressed a kiss on her forehead. The tenderness and the way he held her kept Liv grounded. Right now, his grip kept her upright when little else did. Even though her nerves jangled and the buzzing in the back of her head began, she forced herself to keep talking. “I don’t do well with the scent of vanilla, with certain sounds, and, as you’ve learned the hard way, I’m a mite twitchy about my wrists being touched.”
“I’m aware,” he said. “We’ll take things one step at a time.” He was silent a moment before continuing. “Your brother told me he spilled the beans about the night I got hauled off by the cops.”
Liv pulled away, looking up to meet his eyes even though she reached out to grab his hands, not wanting to break the physical contact. She could sense his hesitation as he waited for the guillotine to fall. But she wouldn’t tolerate that sort of self-flagellation.
“Yeah he did,” she said, projecting her voice loud, clear, and unafraid. “And I told him he was a moron for not realizing why you might fly off the handle at something like that.” Even if he couldn’t forgive himself yet, she’d fight alongside him until he reached that place. His tentative half-smile stole her heart, with no words necessary for the understanding they exchanged.
“Last night,” he started, guilt shining again in those somber eyes.
“Might happen again,” she cut him off. “Your mind’s fucked, I get it. Mine is too. I can’t promise my body’s not going to lock up in some weird PTSD episode even if you do everything right. The best we can do is own our problems and keep up the fight. If you’re still in this with me, I want you by my side.”
Zane released a hiss of a sigh. “You sure? I’ve got a felony on the record which makes things twice as difficult—on top of that, I won’t always be available. The meetings are a necessary part of keeping sober. I’m never going to be an easy choice.” He squeezed her hands, his gaze darkened with ghosts of his past as even now, he gave her an out. As even now he believed she’d want someone easier than him.
Liv met his gaze head on, lifting her chin and slamming him with the full weight of her stubbornness. “Z, you don’t understand. You’ve always been my choice—my only choice. I loved you when I was sixteen and smitten, and that hasn’t changed, even now.” His eyes widened, and she nearly cursed at herself for blurting out the ‘L’ word. She was the master of shitty timing.
Liv winced and tugged her hand away to scratch her nape, brushing a couple of her teal curls behind her ear. “Don’t feel obligated to be throwing any declarations my way. You wanted full disclosure, but I’m sure you’ve already come to regret that.”
Before she could keep rambling, his fingers swept under her chin, tilting her face up as his lips swept across hers. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck as she sank against him. His warmth, the intoxicating sage musk of him, the thrill of having everything hidden out there in the open between them all came together in one dizzying swirl. Her fear melted away, and she rode the waves of comfort, relief, and desire as his kiss claimed her, delivering the one response she needed.
The sensations threatened to ignite, and Liv pulled back before this kiss sent them straight to her bedroom. Right now, she was shaky on her feet, and despite the solidness Zane projected, she could sense the air of weariness surrounding him still. Last night put him through the wringer, and they both had a hell of a lot to process.
“Babe, I don’t need another damn second to think on it. We had ten years of wasted time apart, and I won’t waste any more,” Zane replied, the heat in his voice piercing right to the core of her. “I love you too, Olivia Morozov.”
Her heart squeezed, and her fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt. His eyes danced, and he grinned with a boyish vulnerability, one that took her back ten years to the times he’d sat on her bed and they’d talked for hours. She’d fallen for him in those earlier years, but their love had grown more powerful with time into this formidable force she never could have imagined at sixteen.
With every kiss, every interaction, every conversation, Liv healed a little more. For so long, she’d been broken, too broken for anything real. However, Zane’s trust, the solid way he backed her without judgment, and the tenderness he shared helped her rebuild the strength she thought she’d lost for good. Despite the warnings he gave, every time she looked into his eyes, all she could see was a wide-open future, of hope and reignited dreams.